concerning Christmas...

For those of you who don't know... I LOVE Christmas! Like, a lot.

The fairy lights, Christmas trees and music, ornaments, presents, and family time... There is just so much excitement, anticipation and joy at this time of year. Perhaps it's only me that feels this way, but it's not just about the hype. It is about hope.

I've been listening to Frank Sinatra's Christmas CD in my car, and something that struck me is that Christmas inspires dreams in both young and old. Think about when you were little: Christmas was full of imagination and magic, with Father Christmas/Santa, elves, reindeer that fly, Christmas wish lists and having them come true...

After a long year, you feel run-down, exhausted and most likely a bit pessimistic. You need a good dose of hope. Having struggled with depression, I know what it feels like to see the world as dark and dismal, with hope being a foreign idea, so far removed from your reality, yet so deeply yearned for. Without hope, life hardly seems worth living. It is hope that gives us the energy and drive to get up in the morning. Hope gives meaning to the mundane. It does not need to be a profound hope; the simplest hope that spring will follow winter can be enough.

That is why I love Christmas. It is the one time of year when people are focused on giving, when family becomes the centre and beauty surrounds us. Think about it: how often during the year do you even notice the music that plays in the shopping centre? I know it's only when it comes to Christmas that I find myself singing along as I waltz down the isles picking out products. There is something so magical about fairy lights - you mainly see them at weddings and Christmas time, both in celebration. They remind me of stars, or city lights from above. They are so beautiful. An appreciation for beauty helps to take the focus off one's self and start to see the world from a different perspective.

This season is one when people feel the loss of family and friends, and feel the loneliness quite acutely. This points straight at the need that we have for others in our lives. No one can survive on their own, and we really need each other. It is the one time when for we change our focus from ourselves onto others.

So often, is it simply that change in perspective that allows us to reconnect with the hope that we so badly need to keep going. This is why I love Christmas. It invigorates, inspires and challenges me to think of others, appreciate beauty and find joy in the little things. Christmas reminds me that hope is possible and attainable.

For the first time in my life, I feel like the world is my oyster. The possibilities excite me rather than terrify me. I feel like I am somewhat more in control of my life, and the unknowns are opportunities for growth rather than for devastation. I am able to let myself fully dive in and allow myself to get excited about life. Previously, I was too scared to dream, because I did not trust myself, and dreaded the down that inevitably followed the up. I finally feel like I am able to fully dive in. There are still many unknowns, but I trust myself to grab life with both hands and enjoy the ride. The best thing is that I know that I will not be alone, and will be unconditionally loved and accepted, no matter what happens.

May this Christmas season be one when you rediscover a sense of hope through an appreciation of beauty, connection with loved ones and allowing yourself to dream...

something old, something new...

For those of you who follow this blog, you will notice the changes, and perhaps more poignantly, that this is the first post in a year and a half. The former as a result of the latter. After such a long break, with so many changes in my life, this blog needed to change form.

Before (blog wise and personally), I was all for a literal and somewhat stereotypical life of missions, being 'recklessly abandoned' and willing to give my life for God. This is not to say that that is no longer the case, but some things have changed.

The main reason for not writing in the last year and a half is because I honestly did not know how to say what I wanted to say without feeling like I am giving half-thoughts, assumptions and fleeting emotions. Those would not have done justice to what I was - and still am - going through.

At the start of 2012, my life took a quite abrupt flip which left me quite dishevelled and confused (see my previous posts for the step-by-step process leading up to this). To cut a very long story very short, I thought that I was finally giving God everything and trusting what I thought He had told me: to move to Denver, CO and join staff at the YWAM Denver base (become a full-time missionary). However, this did not happen, and I ended up in Cape Town, studying theology and community development at a tiny Christian College.

To put it bluntly, I went through a roller-coaster of negative emotions towards and surrounding God. Basically the full range of them, including distrust, anger, dismay, pain, betrayal and confusion. How could this God who I had finally decided to trust with my everything, let me down like this? It felt like I was that kid standing on the edge, with your Father telling to you jump and He would catch you... so I did. And what happened? I just kept falling... and fell deeper and deeper... I don't know where the ground was or what happened, but I fell and the absence of His catch was painfully evident to me.

The full extent of the betrayal I felt is so difficult to describe. I fell into a deep depression for months - something which I now recognise had been crouching behind me for many years, waiting its moment to consume me. Through therapy, medication and support of my wonderful boyfriend Jean-Pierre, I have made it through more or less. It is like losing someone close to you. You never really get over it; like you do losing a pair of shoes, but that pain becomes a part of you, and shapes you in some way or another. The fact that I struggle with depression is not something that I am proud of, but neither is it something I am ashamed of. It just is, and I am learning to live with that reality. While I do not let this define me, it is still somewhat a part of me. Like a scar on your body from an accident, this is the scar on my soul.

I am now in my second year of studying theology, although I have changed my major to be in psychology instead of community development. I have come to change my perspective on so many things, in particular what defines faith. Previously, I thought that asking questions and doubting were a sign of a lack of faith, but now I have come to see that doubt is a sign of a profound faith that simply won't take 'vague' for an answer, and so desperately wants to find the truth. This has been so true of my journey this past year. I have found myself asking so many questions of God, of faith, of the world, the church, religion, people, myself... It is overwhelming sometimes. However, I have changed my approach from one where mystery is the excuse for not knowing, to mystery being the invitation and the starting point from which we can discover.

I am going through a process of 'living the questions' - a very Cornerstonian phrase! But it describes it so beautifully. Most of the time, there are no clear-cut answers, and so what do you do with your unanswered questions? You live them. You live in the tension of mystery and knowledge, between faith and certainty, between life and death, between answers and oblivion.

My journey is one that appears to be surrounded by darkness and uncertainty, and yet I have discovered the most amazing little treasures hidden within the shrouds of darkness. While it has been a constant struggle, I would not change my experiences for 'easier' ones. Through the wrestling, I have become so much more in tune with who I am, and who God made me to be. And then I start to get glimpses of who He really is - beyond the theologies, church doctrines, myth, philosophy, lies, answers and questions... I get the tiniest hint of the vast mass of greatness that is beyond comprehension and our puny human minds... the One who says, 'I will be who I will be'... YHWH

coming to terms with it all...

The dichotomy of life at the moment is possibly the most extreme I've experienced in a long time. And yet I have so much peace, which I am incredibly thankful for! If not for God, I would definitely be in a mental institute.

So my heart is shattered about not being able to go back to Denver right now. I feel absolutely horrible for letting everyone there down. I'd so confidently said that I would be back, and yet now I'm the one who made empty promises. Letting people down and hurting them is something that hurts me more than anything. So much so that at times I will avoid depth of friendship altogether to avoid that hurt as much as possible.

And yet as hard as I try, I seem to always end up hurting someone. All my South African friends are delighted to have me around, yet all my American friends are gutted that I won't be. I kinda wish Denver and Cape Town were neighbouring states or provinces - it would seriously make my problems so much less! Alternatively, teleportation would be fantastic!

I am torn between excitement and sadness, grief and joy, freaking out and peace, belief and disbelief, amazement and confusion, awe and fear, guilt and confidence. It's way too much to explain without sounding absolutely psychotic. Although that may already be evident :)

God gave me this beautiful image which edged up my peace levels a bit. There was this huge big rock - like building size huge. It has been fashioned, processed, beaten, heated, compressed, tested, molded and weathered a lot over the last while. I thought that this was the rock that God was going to build on top of. I was so sure of it. And then the rock started crumbling. It all fell a part. Yet a midst the rubble, there was this beautiful, precious gem. All the time that the rock was being refined, this gem was being formed on the inside. I couldn't see it, but that was what God was really after. This is the stone that God is going to use to build His temple. It's a living stone, and one of far more value that the rock I perceived to be a good thing to build on.

That gives me so much hope - to know that I wasn't hearing God wrong about everything. I was being obedient with what He was showing me and where I felt Him leading. Perhaps He wouldn't have gotten the same results if He'd told me what would happen. I've know all along that my willingness and utter abandon to Him blesses His heart, and that He will use that to accomplish all that He has in mind.

So my heart is really in a mixed place right now. I'm so surprised and excited about what is happening here - it's all so unexpected, but rather great actually. Yet my heart still does long for Denver and all those amazing people there, and all God is doing. And I can't help but wonder if or when I'll get to go back. Who knows what the future holds! All I know is that God is who He says He is, and that I can trust Him. By staying humble, teachable, and obedient, whilst loving Him with all I am and loving others, my character will be developed and His will will be accomplished.

After all, I did give Him my life, so that through everything, He might receive the most honour and glory.