For those of you who follow this blog, you will notice the changes, and perhaps more poignantly, that this is the first post in a year and a half. The former as a result of the latter. After such a long break, with so many changes in my life, this blog needed to change form.
Before (blog wise and personally), I was all for a literal and somewhat stereotypical life of missions, being 'recklessly abandoned' and willing to give my life for God. This is not to say that that is no longer the case, but some things have changed.
The main reason for not writing in the last year and a half is because I honestly did not know how to say what I wanted to say without feeling like I am giving half-thoughts, assumptions and fleeting emotions. Those would not have done justice to what I was - and still am - going through.
At the start of 2012, my life took a quite abrupt flip which left me quite dishevelled and confused (see my previous posts for the step-by-step process leading up to this). To cut a very long story very short, I thought that I was finally giving God everything and trusting what I thought He had told me: to move to Denver, CO and join staff at the YWAM Denver base (become a full-time missionary). However, this did not happen, and I ended up in Cape Town, studying theology and community development at a tiny Christian College.
To put it bluntly, I went through a roller-coaster of negative emotions towards and surrounding God. Basically the full range of them, including distrust, anger, dismay, pain, betrayal and confusion. How could this God who I had finally decided to trust with my everything, let me down like this? It felt like I was that kid standing on the edge, with your Father telling to you jump and He would catch you... so I did. And what happened? I just kept falling... and fell deeper and deeper... I don't know where the ground was or what happened, but I fell and the absence of His catch was painfully evident to me.
The full extent of the betrayal I felt is so difficult to describe. I fell into a deep depression for months - something which I now recognise had been crouching behind me for many years, waiting its moment to consume me. Through therapy, medication and support of my wonderful boyfriend Jean-Pierre, I have made it through more or less. It is like losing someone close to you. You never really get over it; like you do losing a pair of shoes, but that pain becomes a part of you, and shapes you in some way or another. The fact that I struggle with depression is not something that I am proud of, but neither is it something I am ashamed of. It just is, and I am learning to live with that reality. While I do not let this define me, it is still somewhat a part of me. Like a scar on your body from an accident, this is the scar on my soul.
I am now in my second year of studying theology, although I have changed my major to be in psychology instead of community development. I have come to change my perspective on so many things, in particular what defines faith. Previously, I thought that asking questions and doubting were a sign of a lack of faith, but now I have come to see that doubt is a sign of a profound faith that simply won't take 'vague' for an answer, and so desperately wants to find the truth. This has been so true of my journey this past year. I have found myself asking so many questions of God, of faith, of the world, the church, religion, people, myself... It is overwhelming sometimes. However, I have changed my approach from one where mystery is the excuse for not knowing, to mystery being the invitation and the starting point from which we can discover.
I am going through a process of 'living the questions' - a very Cornerstonian phrase! But it describes it so beautifully. Most of the time, there are no clear-cut answers, and so what do you do with your unanswered questions? You live them. You live in the tension of mystery and knowledge, between faith and certainty, between life and death, between answers and oblivion.
My journey is one that appears to be surrounded by darkness and uncertainty, and yet I have discovered the most amazing little treasures hidden within the shrouds of darkness. While it has been a constant struggle, I would not change my experiences for 'easier' ones. Through the wrestling, I have become so much more in tune with who I am, and who God made me to be. And then I start to get glimpses of who He really is - beyond the theologies, church doctrines, myth, philosophy, lies, answers and questions... I get the tiniest hint of the vast mass of greatness that is beyond comprehension and our puny human minds... the One who says, 'I will be who I will be'... YHWH
Saturday, August 10, 2013
Saturday, February 11, 2012
coming to terms with it all...
The dichotomy of life at the moment is possibly the most extreme I've experienced in a long time. And yet I have so much peace, which I am incredibly thankful for! If not for God, I would definitely be in a mental institute.
So my heart is shattered about not being able to go back to Denver right now. I feel absolutely horrible for letting everyone there down. I'd so confidently said that I would be back, and yet now I'm the one who made empty promises. Letting people down and hurting them is something that hurts me more than anything. So much so that at times I will avoid depth of friendship altogether to avoid that hurt as much as possible.
And yet as hard as I try, I seem to always end up hurting someone. All my South African friends are delighted to have me around, yet all my American friends are gutted that I won't be. I kinda wish Denver and Cape Town were neighbouring states or provinces - it would seriously make my problems so much less! Alternatively, teleportation would be fantastic!
I am torn between excitement and sadness, grief and joy, freaking out and peace, belief and disbelief, amazement and confusion, awe and fear, guilt and confidence. It's way too much to explain without sounding absolutely psychotic. Although that may already be evident :)
God gave me this beautiful image which edged up my peace levels a bit. There was this huge big rock - like building size huge. It has been fashioned, processed, beaten, heated, compressed, tested, molded and weathered a lot over the last while. I thought that this was the rock that God was going to build on top of. I was so sure of it. And then the rock started crumbling. It all fell a part. Yet a midst the rubble, there was this beautiful, precious gem. All the time that the rock was being refined, this gem was being formed on the inside. I couldn't see it, but that was what God was really after. This is the stone that God is going to use to build His temple. It's a living stone, and one of far more value that the rock I perceived to be a good thing to build on.
That gives me so much hope - to know that I wasn't hearing God wrong about everything. I was being obedient with what He was showing me and where I felt Him leading. Perhaps He wouldn't have gotten the same results if He'd told me what would happen. I've know all along that my willingness and utter abandon to Him blesses His heart, and that He will use that to accomplish all that He has in mind.
So my heart is really in a mixed place right now. I'm so surprised and excited about what is happening here - it's all so unexpected, but rather great actually. Yet my heart still does long for Denver and all those amazing people there, and all God is doing. And I can't help but wonder if or when I'll get to go back. Who knows what the future holds! All I know is that God is who He says He is, and that I can trust Him. By staying humble, teachable, and obedient, whilst loving Him with all I am and loving others, my character will be developed and His will will be accomplished.
After all, I did give Him my life, so that through everything, He might receive the most honour and glory.
So my heart is shattered about not being able to go back to Denver right now. I feel absolutely horrible for letting everyone there down. I'd so confidently said that I would be back, and yet now I'm the one who made empty promises. Letting people down and hurting them is something that hurts me more than anything. So much so that at times I will avoid depth of friendship altogether to avoid that hurt as much as possible.
And yet as hard as I try, I seem to always end up hurting someone. All my South African friends are delighted to have me around, yet all my American friends are gutted that I won't be. I kinda wish Denver and Cape Town were neighbouring states or provinces - it would seriously make my problems so much less! Alternatively, teleportation would be fantastic!
I am torn between excitement and sadness, grief and joy, freaking out and peace, belief and disbelief, amazement and confusion, awe and fear, guilt and confidence. It's way too much to explain without sounding absolutely psychotic. Although that may already be evident :)
God gave me this beautiful image which edged up my peace levels a bit. There was this huge big rock - like building size huge. It has been fashioned, processed, beaten, heated, compressed, tested, molded and weathered a lot over the last while. I thought that this was the rock that God was going to build on top of. I was so sure of it. And then the rock started crumbling. It all fell a part. Yet a midst the rubble, there was this beautiful, precious gem. All the time that the rock was being refined, this gem was being formed on the inside. I couldn't see it, but that was what God was really after. This is the stone that God is going to use to build His temple. It's a living stone, and one of far more value that the rock I perceived to be a good thing to build on.
That gives me so much hope - to know that I wasn't hearing God wrong about everything. I was being obedient with what He was showing me and where I felt Him leading. Perhaps He wouldn't have gotten the same results if He'd told me what would happen. I've know all along that my willingness and utter abandon to Him blesses His heart, and that He will use that to accomplish all that He has in mind.
So my heart is really in a mixed place right now. I'm so surprised and excited about what is happening here - it's all so unexpected, but rather great actually. Yet my heart still does long for Denver and all those amazing people there, and all God is doing. And I can't help but wonder if or when I'll get to go back. Who knows what the future holds! All I know is that God is who He says He is, and that I can trust Him. By staying humble, teachable, and obedient, whilst loving Him with all I am and loving others, my character will be developed and His will will be accomplished.
After all, I did give Him my life, so that through everything, He might receive the most honour and glory.
Thursday, February 09, 2012
the verdict...
So the verdict is that I'm staying in Cape Town, and I'm off to Cornerstone now to hand in my application to do a Bachelors in Theology majoring in Community Development. (See http://www.cornerstone.ac.za/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=100&Itemid=104 for the course outline).
Honestly, I have very mixed emotions. I'm really sad about not being able to go back to my American family or be a part of what is happening there. I'm also so excited about what God has in store for here! He has given me such vision for how I can do what I wanted to do in Denver, here in Cape Town too. The thing that He really loves is my willingness, and that in making disciples after that kind, I will be able to be part of raising up a generation that is completely on fire and whole-heartedly after God's heart, which is such an amazing privilege!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)