matters of the heart...

One of the annoying things with this lifestyle of faith that I have chosen, is that it hurts. I knew it would. And I know that God is and always will be enough. But there are still moments when my heart aches. All I can do in those moments is run to my Dad, bury my face in His chest and know that He holds me and loves me.

In the last year and a half, I have moved almost 20 times. It's really hard having to be uprooted from where you are - the comfort and familiarity, the support system, friendships, love and the known. It's hard to come into a new place and learn to find and create those things again. It's hard to have to uproot from that again - often right after you've established some sense of 'home'.

As you can guess, the idea of 'home' has changed a lot for me. That saying 'home is where the heart is', has never been more meaningful. But what if a little bit of my heart is in each of those places, with all the people I love all over the world? Simply, my heart is in God, and God is everywhere, so my heart can then be everywhere too. Not sure if that makes sense to you, but it does to me. Instead of feeling my my heart is fracturing into a million pieces, it somehow expands into a stretchy bubble of God-love that can surpass distance so easily.

That makes it a little bit easier, but being a bit of a quality time person, not being able to really spend time with people kinda sucks. Everyone always says they'll keep in contact, but it just doesn't always happen. Life carries on. I have to realise that some friends are just for a season. Another thing I struggle with is that if I'm just going to uproot again, then what's the point in settling, investing and connecting? Surely if I don't, I'll save myself the pain of having to leave and say goodbye? Yes, but I'll also rob myself of the amazing friendships and memories that I could have had. As a friend of mine once put it, you need to learn to keep your heart where your feet are. To invest where you are, now. Yes, dream, hope and plan for the future, but it is so uncertain. The past is gone. Now is all you really have. So make the most of it.

With all that said, I can feel that uprooting process starting. It's 6 weeks until I'll be in Denver, starting the School  of Ministry Development (SOMD) with YWAM Denver. I am extremely excited, because this school has been on my heart since I did my DTS at the beginning of last year. But every time I was deciding about what to do next and SOMD came up, God always said 'not yet...'. During my time at home this year, I have had to really look at why I want to do this school, and weigh up all the options. It's been flip hard, but I now know that this is what is next for me.

Sure I still don't know what will happen afterwards, but God is ridiculously faithful, good and loving, and He is leading me towards a glorious destiny in Him :) I like to plan things and have my ducks in a row, so obviously, as part of me having to learn to trust Him, He is not letting me in on much more than the next step. This is a tad frustrating, but I know it's so good. After all, I'd probably freak out if I knew what it was that me and Him are going to do together!

Another thing about this whole uprooting thing, is that I'm pretty much alone in it. Yes I have and will meet amazing people wherever I go, but the only constant One will be God. Yes, I long for the day when I have a husband to go and do all this stuff with - someone to share this adventure with. It would make the uprooting process less painful, knowing one person would be with me still. As much as I look forward to that, I am also trusting God with all my heart, because He knows what He's doing there too. And I know that it will be SO worth the wait!

I have also been blessed to be able to worship with United Pursuit twice this last week, which was such a blessing having them here in Cape Town. One of their songs that forever gets me goes like this:

I lean not on my own understanding;
my life is in the Hands of the Maker of heaven
I give it all to You, God,
trusting that You'll make something beautiful out of me
I will climb this mountain with my hands wide open
There's nothing I hold onto

 One of my other favourites is written from God to me:

come away with Me
come away
it's never to late
it's never to late
it's not to late for you 

I have a plan for you
I have a plan
it's gonna be wild
it's gonna be great
it's gonna be full of Me 

so open up your heart and let Me in

How great is our God, that He is mindful of me! He knows my name, and loves me more than I could ever know