concerning Christmas...

For those of you who don't know... I LOVE Christmas! Like, a lot.

The fairy lights, Christmas trees and music, ornaments, presents, and family time... There is just so much excitement, anticipation and joy at this time of year. Perhaps it's only me that feels this way, but it's not just about the hype. It is about hope.

I've been listening to Frank Sinatra's Christmas CD in my car, and something that struck me is that Christmas inspires dreams in both young and old. Think about when you were little: Christmas was full of imagination and magic, with Father Christmas/Santa, elves, reindeer that fly, Christmas wish lists and having them come true...

After a long year, you feel run-down, exhausted and most likely a bit pessimistic. You need a good dose of hope. Having struggled with depression, I know what it feels like to see the world as dark and dismal, with hope being a foreign idea, so far removed from your reality, yet so deeply yearned for. Without hope, life hardly seems worth living. It is hope that gives us the energy and drive to get up in the morning. Hope gives meaning to the mundane. It does not need to be a profound hope; the simplest hope that spring will follow winter can be enough.

That is why I love Christmas. It is the one time of year when people are focused on giving, when family becomes the centre and beauty surrounds us. Think about it: how often during the year do you even notice the music that plays in the shopping centre? I know it's only when it comes to Christmas that I find myself singing along as I waltz down the isles picking out products. There is something so magical about fairy lights - you mainly see them at weddings and Christmas time, both in celebration. They remind me of stars, or city lights from above. They are so beautiful. An appreciation for beauty helps to take the focus off one's self and start to see the world from a different perspective.

This season is one when people feel the loss of family and friends, and feel the loneliness quite acutely. This points straight at the need that we have for others in our lives. No one can survive on their own, and we really need each other. It is the one time when for we change our focus from ourselves onto others.

So often, is it simply that change in perspective that allows us to reconnect with the hope that we so badly need to keep going. This is why I love Christmas. It invigorates, inspires and challenges me to think of others, appreciate beauty and find joy in the little things. Christmas reminds me that hope is possible and attainable.

For the first time in my life, I feel like the world is my oyster. The possibilities excite me rather than terrify me. I feel like I am somewhat more in control of my life, and the unknowns are opportunities for growth rather than for devastation. I am able to let myself fully dive in and allow myself to get excited about life. Previously, I was too scared to dream, because I did not trust myself, and dreaded the down that inevitably followed the up. I finally feel like I am able to fully dive in. There are still many unknowns, but I trust myself to grab life with both hands and enjoy the ride. The best thing is that I know that I will not be alone, and will be unconditionally loved and accepted, no matter what happens.

May this Christmas season be one when you rediscover a sense of hope through an appreciation of beauty, connection with loved ones and allowing yourself to dream...

something old, something new...

For those of you who follow this blog, you will notice the changes, and perhaps more poignantly, that this is the first post in a year and a half. The former as a result of the latter. After such a long break, with so many changes in my life, this blog needed to change form.

Before (blog wise and personally), I was all for a literal and somewhat stereotypical life of missions, being 'recklessly abandoned' and willing to give my life for God. This is not to say that that is no longer the case, but some things have changed.

The main reason for not writing in the last year and a half is because I honestly did not know how to say what I wanted to say without feeling like I am giving half-thoughts, assumptions and fleeting emotions. Those would not have done justice to what I was - and still am - going through.

At the start of 2012, my life took a quite abrupt flip which left me quite dishevelled and confused (see my previous posts for the step-by-step process leading up to this). To cut a very long story very short, I thought that I was finally giving God everything and trusting what I thought He had told me: to move to Denver, CO and join staff at the YWAM Denver base (become a full-time missionary). However, this did not happen, and I ended up in Cape Town, studying theology and community development at a tiny Christian College.

To put it bluntly, I went through a roller-coaster of negative emotions towards and surrounding God. Basically the full range of them, including distrust, anger, dismay, pain, betrayal and confusion. How could this God who I had finally decided to trust with my everything, let me down like this? It felt like I was that kid standing on the edge, with your Father telling to you jump and He would catch you... so I did. And what happened? I just kept falling... and fell deeper and deeper... I don't know where the ground was or what happened, but I fell and the absence of His catch was painfully evident to me.

The full extent of the betrayal I felt is so difficult to describe. I fell into a deep depression for months - something which I now recognise had been crouching behind me for many years, waiting its moment to consume me. Through therapy, medication and support of my wonderful boyfriend Jean-Pierre, I have made it through more or less. It is like losing someone close to you. You never really get over it; like you do losing a pair of shoes, but that pain becomes a part of you, and shapes you in some way or another. The fact that I struggle with depression is not something that I am proud of, but neither is it something I am ashamed of. It just is, and I am learning to live with that reality. While I do not let this define me, it is still somewhat a part of me. Like a scar on your body from an accident, this is the scar on my soul.

I am now in my second year of studying theology, although I have changed my major to be in psychology instead of community development. I have come to change my perspective on so many things, in particular what defines faith. Previously, I thought that asking questions and doubting were a sign of a lack of faith, but now I have come to see that doubt is a sign of a profound faith that simply won't take 'vague' for an answer, and so desperately wants to find the truth. This has been so true of my journey this past year. I have found myself asking so many questions of God, of faith, of the world, the church, religion, people, myself... It is overwhelming sometimes. However, I have changed my approach from one where mystery is the excuse for not knowing, to mystery being the invitation and the starting point from which we can discover.

I am going through a process of 'living the questions' - a very Cornerstonian phrase! But it describes it so beautifully. Most of the time, there are no clear-cut answers, and so what do you do with your unanswered questions? You live them. You live in the tension of mystery and knowledge, between faith and certainty, between life and death, between answers and oblivion.

My journey is one that appears to be surrounded by darkness and uncertainty, and yet I have discovered the most amazing little treasures hidden within the shrouds of darkness. While it has been a constant struggle, I would not change my experiences for 'easier' ones. Through the wrestling, I have become so much more in tune with who I am, and who God made me to be. And then I start to get glimpses of who He really is - beyond the theologies, church doctrines, myth, philosophy, lies, answers and questions... I get the tiniest hint of the vast mass of greatness that is beyond comprehension and our puny human minds... the One who says, 'I will be who I will be'... YHWH

coming to terms with it all...

The dichotomy of life at the moment is possibly the most extreme I've experienced in a long time. And yet I have so much peace, which I am incredibly thankful for! If not for God, I would definitely be in a mental institute.

So my heart is shattered about not being able to go back to Denver right now. I feel absolutely horrible for letting everyone there down. I'd so confidently said that I would be back, and yet now I'm the one who made empty promises. Letting people down and hurting them is something that hurts me more than anything. So much so that at times I will avoid depth of friendship altogether to avoid that hurt as much as possible.

And yet as hard as I try, I seem to always end up hurting someone. All my South African friends are delighted to have me around, yet all my American friends are gutted that I won't be. I kinda wish Denver and Cape Town were neighbouring states or provinces - it would seriously make my problems so much less! Alternatively, teleportation would be fantastic!

I am torn between excitement and sadness, grief and joy, freaking out and peace, belief and disbelief, amazement and confusion, awe and fear, guilt and confidence. It's way too much to explain without sounding absolutely psychotic. Although that may already be evident :)

God gave me this beautiful image which edged up my peace levels a bit. There was this huge big rock - like building size huge. It has been fashioned, processed, beaten, heated, compressed, tested, molded and weathered a lot over the last while. I thought that this was the rock that God was going to build on top of. I was so sure of it. And then the rock started crumbling. It all fell a part. Yet a midst the rubble, there was this beautiful, precious gem. All the time that the rock was being refined, this gem was being formed on the inside. I couldn't see it, but that was what God was really after. This is the stone that God is going to use to build His temple. It's a living stone, and one of far more value that the rock I perceived to be a good thing to build on.

That gives me so much hope - to know that I wasn't hearing God wrong about everything. I was being obedient with what He was showing me and where I felt Him leading. Perhaps He wouldn't have gotten the same results if He'd told me what would happen. I've know all along that my willingness and utter abandon to Him blesses His heart, and that He will use that to accomplish all that He has in mind.

So my heart is really in a mixed place right now. I'm so surprised and excited about what is happening here - it's all so unexpected, but rather great actually. Yet my heart still does long for Denver and all those amazing people there, and all God is doing. And I can't help but wonder if or when I'll get to go back. Who knows what the future holds! All I know is that God is who He says He is, and that I can trust Him. By staying humble, teachable, and obedient, whilst loving Him with all I am and loving others, my character will be developed and His will will be accomplished.

After all, I did give Him my life, so that through everything, He might receive the most honour and glory.

the verdict...

So the verdict is that I'm staying in Cape Town, and I'm off to Cornerstone now to hand in my application to do a Bachelors in Theology majoring in Community Development. (See http://www.cornerstone.ac.za/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=100&Itemid=104 for the course outline).

Honestly, I have very mixed emotions. I'm really sad about not being able to go back to my American family or be a part of what is happening there. I'm also so excited about what God has in store for here! He has given me such vision for how I can do what I wanted to do in Denver, here in Cape Town too. The thing that He really loves is my willingness, and that in making disciples after that kind, I will be able to be part of raising up a generation that is completely on fire and whole-heartedly after God's heart, which is such an amazing privilege!

heading up to D-day...

Right, so here's where we are at: if I don't get the finance I need to get to Denver and live there for the rest of this year by Wednesday, then I won't be going. In which case, I will probably be doing a Bachelors of Theology majoring in Community Development at Cornerstone Institute here in Cape Town.

Some may wonder why I have set such a 'short' timeline for God to provide: well firstly He can totally do it. Secondly, if I want to do anything with this year in Cape Town, I need to start soon (like this week really). It really is quite strange how I happened upon this degree. In conversation with some friends, they asked what I would do if I were to stay here, so I mentioned a couple of things, and for some reason said 'try to get in late at Cornerstone' without really having thought about it. I went home and decided I might as well have a look at their courses, and I actually found one I'd love to do, which is a pretty big deal for me, because I've always had this problem of not knowing what I'd want to study and never having found a course I liked.

It's hard right now, because both are such amazingly good options. I'd be growing in such great ways, and having amazing opportunities to equip myself, be trained in the word, and pour out into other people's lives. As I think about both options individually, they both seem so good! And both are sad too, because either way I won't be with many of the people I've come to know and love.

So that's what's happening. The options are by no means mutually exclusive - one could easily be the equipping for the other and vice versa. As God has so often told me, much of what I will be doing has little to do with where, so right now it's all in His hands to decide where He wants me in order to have the biggest impact for the Kingdom and bring Him the most glory.

I feel a lot like Captain Jack Sparrow when he's shaking his compass and saying 'I know what I want! I know what I want!', and yet still the needle of the compass won't settle on a set direction. If I had to choose, I really don't know what I would choose. So it's in God's hands for Him to bring about what His best is - my life for His glory.

decisions, uncertainty and trusting...

Flip... The last few weeks have been rather stressful for multiple reasons. One of them being that I am currently in limbo, since I don't know if I'm staying in Cape Town or heading back to Denver. And in that, I don't really know which one I want more.

Since moving to Denver is a huge step, I said (with my parents' agreement) that I would take the provision of finances as confirmation from God that this is what He wants me to do now. I know that staffing at YWAM Denver will happen sometime in my life - the question has always been 'when?'. Since I wasn't really hearing much on that, I decided to go ahead with applying to join staff and get everything that I could sorted out, and now I am in a place of waiting and trusting God. Not easy, but definitely stretching!

Yes, I could book a plane ticket in faith and trust God to provide everything I need by then, or I could wait in faith and trust God to provide and then book a ticket (or alternatively carry on here). It really is such a hard place to be in, because either way I feel like I'm lacking in faith and I don't want to be doubting God or pushing Him or seem lacking in integrity of what I've said I'll do. It's a really tough place, because my heart is in both Cape Town and Denver. I don't know which one God is asking me to 'give up'/'let go of', or the time frame of that.

I can totally see why God may ask me to stay in Cape Town longer - because there are many things I need to work on, and lifestyle things that God is asking me to change but which I am being sluggish about doing. There are also a few things that I've started and haven't finished, and God may be asking me to take some time to actually finish the things that I've started. It could also be an opportunity to develop some skills which would be hugely beneficial in life and in the mission field - potentially getting a degree, or qualifications of sorts

On the flip side, I could possibly do all of the above in Denver as well, and God could be overlooking what I see as set backs in my life to give me the opportunity to grow through those and rise above them as a staff member at YWAM Denver, thereby coming to victory in those areas and delving into the inheritance God has for His people there.

So that's where my heart is right now - it's rather torn, because I long to be with my family in Denver, and would love to stay with my family in Cape Town. Both have a piece of my heart, but God has my whole heart, and only He can move me. So once again, I'm waiting and trusting Him. I know He knows what He's doing and I'd really love it if He'd let me in on the current and impending part so I can know what to prepare myself for.

I know I'm learning to trust Him more, and my character is being refined a lot. So really, either way would be great, because I know He'll be teaching and guiding me along the way. Maybe this is testing my willingness to leave it all and go to America, or to see if I'll be willing to give up that dream. Maybe it's not time yet. Maybe God has something completely different in store. I don't know.

So for now, I'm trusting, hoping, praying and waiting to see what God does... It's really not easy, but He is good and faithful. He holds the world in His hand, and I trust Him with my life. I'm trying to make preparations for both options so that either way I have something to go off of, but my poor little brain is kind of in overdrive because of all the possibilities and uncertainties. Flip am I glad that I'm not doing this on my own and that He will never abandon me!

a letter about 2012 onward...

Dear prayer partners – family and friends

If you’ve kept up with my update letters, you will have read about how I’ve felt God calling me to join staff here at YWAM Denver. It’s definitely been a long process and not a flippant decision at all. I’ve taken a lot of time to pray about this, and have definite words from God about it. He has confirmed it over and over again through different people, and I have such excitement and peace about this. It’ll be an exciting and scary new adventure! I don’t yet know how long I will be doing this, but I do feel God calling me to a life of ministry – in whatever capacity He reveals. For now, that’s at YWAM Denver, and I am going to dig into the inheritance God has for His people there, and go from there as He leads!

What will joining staff here at YWAM Denver look like and entail?

Each staff member is a volunteer, and so earns no income from YWAM. This means that we are living missionary style, with a group of people gathering around us and coming along side of what God is doing, joining with that through financial and prayer support. My expenses are looking to be around $600/month (R5000), and then a plane ticket there of about the same amount. For housing, I’m planning on sharing an apartment or house with 3-4 other ladies who are also on staff. I’m really looking forward to having a kitchen and space to really call my own (after living in community with just a bunk and a bit of closet space!). We’ll probably have a garden, which will be lovely too! Meals can still be eaten at the base for no extra cost, which is a huge blessing, but I’ll also be able to cook my own meals where necessary or preferred.

YWAM Denver works on a quarterly calendar, so every 3 months, a new quarter starts. This means a new group of students come in to do various schools, and staff responsibilities rotate. There are various departments that I could work in: hospitality, kitchen, maintenance, housekeeping, reception, outreach, worship, personnel and registrar to name a few. These are apart from or including working with a school. If I was to staff a school, I would then be a small group leader, which means I could have around 3-5 ladies that I would get to disciple/mentor during their 3 month school. Each week, I’d meet with them individually, and as a group. I would also attend some of the class lectures, participate in activities, as well as being involved in one or more of the other departments listed above. If I were to assist an outreach (which leave at the end of each quarter for about 7 weeks), I would find out a few weeks into the school, and this would mean that I would be assisting the person leading the outreach. On outreach, I would continue my discipler/mentor role for the students, and be a part of whatever ministry we do. At the end of outreach, I would also be involved in debriefing the students, and preparing them to go back home, or into whatever is next. I will also be investing in a local church, and involved with local community ministry and outreach, and I may also have the opportunity to teach at some stage.

Why do I want to do this?

First and foremost, because I feel like God has given me this option, and I want to be obedient. I feel very strongly that this is where God is calling me for the next part of my life – I don’t know how long for yet, but I know God is leading and guiding me. I also love what YWAM is and does, and want to be a part of what God is doing in and through this organisation all over the world. I have grown so much during my time at YWAM, and would love to be able to pour into others what has been poured into me. I have such a heart to see people set free from what has been holding them back, and to embrace the entirety of what God has for them. I feel like people have such a misconception of who God is and such a limited view of what He can do, and I love seeing others dig deeper and discover so much more about who He is, and allow Him to blow their minds and radically transform their lives. I long to see people come alive again, and truly live the abundant life God has available to them.

I think one of the reasons why I want to do this here, is because the students that come here want it. They come here to grow, to change, to seek out God. It’s virtually impossible to teach someone something if they don’t want to learn, or to try and make them understand their need. You can’t give someone something unless they really want it. YWAM is a place that facilitates that, allowing you to really dig in – to be broken and healed, and to discover what life with your Creator looks like. Yes, it’s short term, but such wonderful stuff can happen in just 3 months! And if done right, and in a Godly way, with much prayer, lives can be transformed in a way that they can never go back to the way things were.

Yes, I could do this anywhere, but God has said YWAM Denver next, so that’s what I’m doing. I applied to join staff towards the end of my last school, and got accepted.

How can you be involved?

Most of you have been with me on this journey from the beginning, when I did my DTS at the start of 2010, and I’m sure you can all confirm the amazing growth and work that God has done in and through me in the last 2 years. I would be honoured if you would prayerfully consider partnering with me on this next phase of my adventure as we build His Kingdom together. This could be through financially partnering with me, receiving update letters or praying for me and what God is doing. In partnering with God in this, I also commit to praying for you on a regular basis, as you continue in the ministry God has given you. If you'd like more information about this, please email me (janinepalser@gmail.com), or you can click the 'Donate' button on the left hand side of this blog to support financially through PayPal.

I’m planning to leave on February 6, since that is one of the few tickets available in February with frequent flyer miles, and there is a staff conference soon after which I need to attend. I have a couple of weeks left in Cape Town, so if you have any questions, comments or concerns, please feel free to email me. I would like to have another tea after church, but with the change in services that may not happen.

Again, thank you so much for all your support over the last 2 years, and I look forward to partnering with you in the years to come!

In faith, hope and love

Janine

ending off 2011...

Me and Mary

Written on 8 January 2012 – Cape Town, South Africa

So I’m home! It really is quite a weird feeling, but it is so wonderful too. It is such a blessing to have been here for Christmas and New Years. We had a wonderful time with the family all together for the first time in a good long while, and it probably will be another while before it will happen again. My sister Sarah and her boyfriend Paul left just after Christmas to go to England for a few weeks to visit family, and then on to America to do schools with YWAM – so it’s been an interesting last few weeks at home!

So I’ve just completed the School of Ministry Development at YWAM Denver: wow… Honestly, I don’t really know how to summarise it all. There is so much from the last 3 months that I haven’t managed to process yet, but God is being so good to bring up important things at the right time, and reminding me of what He has been teaching me, and also what He’s been saying and where He’s leading me.

During the last week of the school, I sat down and started listing things that God has taught me recently… 4 pages later I realised I had to go to worship time, so I didn’t even manage to cover it all! The beautiful thing about it is that my whole life is spent learning, and He will repeat and emphasise what is important and what He wants me to really get a hold of. So I’ll do my best to summarise what God has been teaching me through this school.

He walks with you - painted in December

This school has some focus on leadership, but as we soon learnt, that should come out of a lifestyle of surrender and obedience to God. Success to God is defined by our obedience, and His definition should be ours too. Jesus is our example – and by human terms, His leadership was rather ‘unsuccessful’, and yet so many years later, we still follow Him. He focused on what really was important – the Father and honouring Him above all else. He was a servant first and foremost. He suffered and died. He is our example. Servant leadership isn’t an optional extra. Authority from God is powerful, and also hard, because of the incredible responsibility that comes along with it. Out of that, character and heart motivation are vital things in a leader, so a lot of what God did in me was in refining my character and heart motives.

One of the beautiful things that God has taught me is that He is my teacher first and foremost, and that He uses people to sometimes confirm what He is saying. So many times, God would be talking to me about something during my quality time with Him, and throughout the day, and then in the next day or week of teaching, someone would mention it or teach on it too. It was hilarious! There were times when I desperately needed someone to verbally process with, but then no one was around, so I’d have to go to God first, which is what He was getting at. There will be times in my life when I have no one to go to but Him, where I will be lonely, and He really does need to be my best Friend.

Me and Becca - my
small group leader

Something funny that God showed me about how we pray these prayers, for example ‘God, You can have my life’ or ‘make me like You’, and then when He takes us up on what we say, we get defensive and even blame Him for what He does. He is just being faithful to answer the prayers that we’ve prayed, and we’re the ones being stubborn and not actually wanting to change or let Him change us.

He has challenged me on areas of compromise which I didn’t think were bad at all, He’s challenged my heart attitudes and motivations, taking it all so much deeper, and helped me to discover why I do and think certain things, getting a glimpse of how He uses me in other people’s lives. I’ve learnt to trust Him more, and realising that this is an area that we continuously need to be growing and learning in – to really trust God with everything, including the timing. I’ve also had to grapple with the fact that I am not entitled to God’s promises. I have been learning obedience in small things, like picking up rubbish/trash. I’ve been learning to create with Him through painting. I’ve had to grapple with the deep insecurity of believing that I’m not really deserving of abundant life, and thinking that I can’t actually even be like Jesus. Once I finally admitted that I felt like that, it no longer had as strong a hold over me, and then I could choose to believe the truth of what God says. 

It was a hard 3 months, and very challenging. I’ve only had Jesus a lot of the time, which has actually been so refreshing and a beautifully intimate time too. I’ve learnt more of really seeking Him, and seeing His faithfulness in so many ways – even in Him giving me a word, and then something would happen, where I was so thankful for that promise He gave me to hold onto!

My roommates: Laura, Maddy,
me, Kiny and Gill

Before the last 2 years, I was an extreme introvert, but also scared and insecure. Then, in order to break out of that fear, I tended a bit towards the other extreme of pushing myself out of my comfort zone. But now, instead of that being random or sporadic, it’s a constant flow of God through me, so I can go back to the good, God parts of how I was before – I was made as a supporter, yet before I conceived that as weakness, insignificance and a root of my insecurities. Now God has redeemed that, and I’ve been able to step more fully and confidently into that role as a supporter, and it’s beautiful because it’s how God made me, and it is no longer warped.

I’ve also learnt a lot about seizing the day – to really dig in and enjoy where I am now, trusting that God will make something beautiful out of me. I’m realising how huge God is, because I keep learning and realising more, but then realising that there’s SO much more still that I don’t know! It’s refreshing, freeing and exciting, because the rest of my life will be spent getting to know and falling more in love with my God, who, although He never changes, I will continuously be surprised by, because of how small my brain is. The revelation of who He is and His truth continues to go deeper, and humble me more in the process – how can you be proud when you get a glimpse of how HUGE God is?

Me and Laura

‘Seek His face, not just His hand’ was a common theme throughout this time. We need to actually know our God, not just expect Him to do things for us. Something God challenged me with, was that if I never heard from Him again, never saw another miracle – would I still obey what He has said to me up ‘til now, and all that is laid out in His Word? It was a huge challenge of my heart motivation – am I seeking just His hand, or am I really seeking His face, simply because of who He is? Am I obeying Him because of what He will do, or simply because of who He is, and because He is worthy?

He’s taught me that ministry isn’t an optional part of the Christian life – it’s integral. Every time you pray for someone, you are ministering to them. Every time you love someone, or listen to them, or give someone water to drink, you’re ministering to them. Our life is our ministry – first to the heart of God, then out of His love, to others by sharing His love out of intimacy with Him. Know Him in intimacy, then out of that, loving others and changing the world through that. Simply put: love God passionately; love others radically.

So yes, these last 3 months have been wonderful, challenging, hard, and amazing. God has spoken wonderfully clearly to me about what is next, but that will have to wait for the next letter, since this one is already super long! Thank you so much for your prayers and support through this time – it has meant so much knowing that I have such a wonderful family of friends at home who are standing with me as I go through this amazing adventure.

I trust that this next year for you will be one of truly seeking God’s face – of learning what it means for you to really love God with all your heart, all your soul and all your strength. I pray that God would take you deeper than you ever thought possible, and that you would be open and willing to listen and be obedient to what God asks of you, to follow where He leads, and truly let Him have your life and make something beautiful out of you. He has such wonderful plans for each of us, if we would ask, listen and obey, because of the beauty and glory of who He is.

Many blessings and love,

Janine

Our School of Ministry Development on graduation

pray with me...

As you may have read in my previous letters, I feel like God has called me to join staff here at YWAM Denver, possibly next year. I am going to be spending the next few days praying and fasting, seeking God’s wisdom and guidance for the logistics of that, including finances. I would be honoured if you could please join with me in praying, and lifting me up as I make these decisions. I feel like I do already know some of the details, but do not want to do this flippantly, and want to make sure of what God is saying, where He’s leading and what the process is from here.

as time flies by...

 An update written 30 November 2011 – Arvada, Colorado

So we’re on the home stretch now! In about 3 weeks, I will be home in sunny South Africa! Praise God! I am so looking forward to some summer, since I’ve now had two winters and am in desperate need of a tan. It’s going to be so good to actually be home for Christmas this year, since my last one at home was in 2008!

Good gracious… how to summarise everything that God has been doing in my heart? It’s incredible. So over the last two years, I’ve felt like God has been tilling the ground of my heart, breaking the hard parts a bit, chipping away at other parts… and these last few months have been a lot of refinement. To use another metaphor: it’s like He’s been doing home renovations and I haven’t been allowed to see what’s happening inside, but now He’s taken me into the garage and we’re going through some of the stuff He’s sorted through and wants to get rid of, and He picks it up, shows me, and then I have the choice of whether to chuck it or keep it.

Painted in November

It’s so fascinating, because last year I was blown away by how much more to God there was than I’d thought before, and thought I had Him figured out a bit more, but He keeps surprising me and blowing me away by the intricacies and vastness of who He is. It makes me so excited, because I realise how little I know, and how much more there must still be! Last year, I thought I had grown leaps and bounds, which was true, but looking back, it was nothing compared to what’s happened recently. This gives me such hope! The rest of my life will be filled with continually having my mind blown and expanded by the infinite Creator of the universe, who has redeemed and restored me. He makes all things new! And then those new things get old, and He makes them new again to a whole different level. I thought I’d experienced the depths of God, but then He took me even deeper, and deeper, and continues to amaze me… I am so incredibly grateful for how gentle He is in how He corrects, refines and restores me. He doesn’t go all at once or overwhelm me – He goes little bits at a time, then revisits those things and takes them even deeper still. He is so good!

One thing I often find myself doing is losing perspective. I take my eyes off of Him, and then get overwhelmed by what is around me and all the unknowns, and the things that need to happen or that I hope will happen. Then He captures my gaze again, and reminds me of who He is, what He’s done and His faithfulness to keep His promises. The beautiful thing about revelation is that it’s impossible to get prideful, because you realise how small you are, and how utterly huge and magnificent and WOAH God is!

God has given me some beautiful glimpses into what He has for me, and it honestly scares me a bit, because I don’t know if I can do it, but that’s the point! I can’t do it! I need Him! So often we only attempt things we know we can, but then we don’t have the opportunity to trust Him or grow. I want to be stretched and grow! And in order to do that, I need to attempt great things with and for God. I need to do things that I can’t do, by relying on His power. God has been challenging and re-defining my view of success. It’s one of the things that cause such great anxiety and fear, because we feel like we’ll fail or not do it well enough. This is because we make it all about us and how well we do it. Take evangelism for example: if our motivation is to save people, then we’ll never be satisfied, especially if we don’t ‘convert’ anyone. But it isn't us that saves people – God does. So how do we measure our success? God measures it by obedience. That takes so much pressure off of me! If I’m being obedience to what He asks of me, then I’m successful in His eyes. Jesus couldn’t and didn’t heal everyone or preach to everyone. He said that He only did what He say the Father doing, and said only what He heard the Father saying. He couldn’t do it all; else He would have burnt out – same story with us. Often we think we need to and have to do it all. God doesn’t need us – He chooses to include us because He loves us and wants to bless us with the amazing opportunity to share His love with others and build His Kingdom. Faithful people will be instructed with more – this is why obedience is so important. It is the essence of Biblical submission – coming up under to support and build up those in authority, and thereby having access to all that they have access to. It’s a beautiful thing that has sadly been so warped by the enemy.

Angie and Nathan with our Thanksgiving turkeys

That’s another thing God has been pointing out – how many things we avoid or write off as evil, simply because they have been warped for evil use, but if used for and through the power of the Holy Spirit, they are so beautiful and good! We are so scared of evil and legalism and sin, that we avoid it even more – like the Pharisees that built walls around the laws to prevent themselves from getting anywhere close to breaking the laws of God. In so doing, they missed the heart of the laws. If we focus on the sin, we are often consumed by it, but if we focus on the face of God, we are transformed into His image. You become what you behold and worship.

Enough preaching for now. Some things that you could be praying for: the last few weeks here – I really want to dig in and get all that I can out of this school. I don’t want to waste a day! Please also pray for my time back home, since it may be short due to coming back to join staff here at YWAM Denver (more information to come). Please pray for God to prepare the way before me for that, and against any spiritual attack that may come against this. Please also pray for the Dollar/Rand exchange rate – I want to see it drop to around R6-$1 (it’s currently around R8-$1). Please pray for the outreaches that are leaving off of this quarter at YWAM Denver – going to Haiti, Thailand, Brazil, Nicaragua and Honduras.

I am so extremely thankful for every one of you who take the time to read my letters and pray for me! It is such a huge blessing! I would love to pray for you too, if you have any specific requests. Please feel free to contact me on janinepalser@gmail.com if there is any way that I can be praying for you.

May God bless you so richly for your faithfulness and obedience to Him, and give you more opportunities to exercise your faith and grow with Him.

In faith, hope and love

Janine

a brief summary of this last month...

First snow of the season!

An update written 8 November 2011 – Arvada, Colorado

Oh my goodness! I can hardly believe that I am already half way through this school! SO much has happened in the last month, that I’ve delayed writing, because there’s so much, but then even more just keeps happening. So this may be quite long…

Right after my last update, we went to the Acts 1 Conference, where all the Colorado YWAM bases met together for 3 days to seek God. It was incredible. 6-10 hours of worship each day, with teaching and processing time in between. It was honestly a taste of heaven.

A little bit of background: so ever since my DTS, I’ve wanted to join staff here, and have felt like God has said that that is something He has for me. This school I am doing now is the prerequisite for joining staff here, and was part of the motivation for doing this school. While I was at home, I had the time to pray and think about what my motivations were for wanting to come back here, and through that time, God got rid of a lot of junk and emotionalism around staffing, but the desire remained. When I came back here, I still wanted to, and at the Acts 1 Conference, I asked God to please give me a fresh word about it, because I didn’t want to move forward in that decision without Him going with me.

One night during Acts 1, one of the leaders stood up and said that he had a really specific word, but wasn't sure if he should share it. Right then, I got that heart-beating-quickly God-feeling and God was like – ‘this is for you!’, and then the guy said "I feel like there are some people here who are considering joining staff at YWAM Denver that need to." And right as he said that, I burst into tears and started laughing, as I sometimes tend to do when God gives me crazy revelation. It was ridiculous! The week after that, someone got Psalm 45:10-15 for me. Verse 10 says: "Listen to me, O royal daughter; take to heart what I say. Forget your people and your family far away." When I got home in February, I read that verse and sort of claimed it, thinking that it might apply to me. Then later that week, someone got Genesis 12:1-3 for me. They didn't know what it said, just got the reference. Here's what verse 1 says: "The LORD had said to Abram, 'Leave your native country, your relatives, and your father's family, and go to the land that I will show you.'" At this, I nearly started crying! I relate to Abraham a lot, and have often felt like I would be doing what he did in just trusting God and following him, literally step by step. Having God give that verse to me in such a non-human-intervening way, was such a blessing and so releasing to know that it is ok for me to simply obey God step by step, trusting Him to lead me, and that the next step is leaving home and joining staff here at YWAM Denver. Honestly, that freaks me out a bit, but at the same time is so exciting and freeing! I will have to live off of support, trusting God. It’s an exciting adventure to be going on!

Painted Oct 23 2011

A lot of what God has brought up has had to do with truly seeking intimacy with Him with all of me. In Hebrews 12, “Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith.” One thing God has been showing me is how important it is for us not to let anything hold us back at all – it’s not just sin, but other things that are permissible, but not beneficial. There are things that we hold onto that really aren’t that good for us, that in some ways hold us back from God in some ways.

Co-creating with my God

We have also been learning so much about how leadership shouldn’t just be chosen by people, but rather given and anointed by God. The term ‘servant-leader’ has become a cliché, but it’s so true, because the start and end of leadership is serving others. The idea that you are better than or above in some way is a warped view of leadership, since you are in that position to serve others, and to be an example of how to do so to each other. It’s so clear to see how the warping of God’s ways has infiltrated society, and also the church. It’s incredible what we believe as truth, where it is actually quite far from how God created it to be. Jesus didn’t teach anything He didn’t model first with His life. By our standards of success, He failed epically in His ministry. But God’s standards of success are very different. We often strive to succeed by our standards, and then burn out. Jesus said that He only did what He saw the Father doing. He could have done so much more, but He didn’t. How could He leave a town right when they were gathering? Because God told Him to. It was time to move on. His life was a modelled example of how we are to live – in constant fellowship with God, in tune with what He is doing and wanting to do, and doing that. Obedience to God is success in God’s eyes. When we define it as anything else, we put unrealistic expectations on ourselves, and burn out, freak out or fall apart. His burden is light – He wasn’t lying about that. It is a huge responsibility too and sometimes hard, only because of our resistance and the battle of our sinful nature against what the Spirit is prompting us to do.

Something else God has been speaking to me about is being His Bride. The Church is referred to as the Bride of Christ. This is such a beautiful image, because He says in Ephesians 4 that He has made her holy and righteous. We don’t have to strive for it. And the beauty of that, is that I don’t have to keep living in sin, because He is making me whole. Flip, it’s so good, because it’s like He’s been doing renovations inside the house of my life – bashing down and reconstructing aspects, and then also sorting through the things I have stored. And now He’s taking me through those things, one by one, pointing them out, and then we throw them out. It’s so good! It’s hard sometimes, but so worth it, because I know that He’s cleaning me out, and preparing me for what is to come.

He has been connecting so many different things over the last few weeks, it blows my mind! One thing after another… I have fresh revelation every day! It’s so refreshing! After quite a while of feeling like I couldn’t see what God is doing, now He’s letting me get glimpses here and there. This may be partly because of some treasured sin I had in my life. I didn’t really view it as sin, but it was holding me back from the fullness of what God has for me (I finally deleted all my illegal music and movies). I honestly feel so free! I didn’t realise how much I was missing out on, because of something that I’d been numbed to believe wasn’t really that bad. So now whenever God brings anything up, I embrace the brokenness, and allow Him to reach deep inside to clean out the junk. I really don’t want there to be anything between us.

One of those things was the mentality that I didn’t really deserve the abundant life God has for me – I knew it was there in theory, but didn’t really think I’d ever get to live it. This stemmed from a root of thinking that right when my life was getting great, that it would fall apart or something would be taken away from me. This came from the time when Claire Rouse (one of my close friends), died during my Matric year (Grade 12). It happened right around the time when I was finally starting to get on top of everything. Crazy. God also showed me how from that time, I shut off my emotions when I played piano, and focused on perfectionism, because the emotions were too overwhelming, and perfectionism was control. Ever since then, I have been unable to play piano, because I’m not perfect, and there is no emotion. This comes into any time I try to perform any music. There is an emotional disconnect. So God is walking me through that, and bringing healing slowly but surely. He is so gentle and so good!

Last Friday during worship, I just bawled my eyes out. I wasn’t really sure why, but it was so good. It was so refreshing to allow myself to just be broken in the presence of God, and to let Him hold me. I feel like so often we’re so scared of the extremes of emotions, that we avoid them altogether, instead of learning how to walk them out in a Godly manner. I was so willing to be broken, because I knew that the more my heart broke, the deeper His truth and healing could go.

So there’s a brief summary of what God is doing, as best as I can give right now. Thank you all so much for your prayers! Please keep praying for an openness and willingness for God to do all that He wants to. I don’t want to miss out on anything that God has for me! I want the fullness which Jesus died for me to have.

My prayer for you is that you would allow God to peal back the layers, pouring healing and truth into each part, deep into your heart and life. May His peace that is so incomprehensible guard your heart and your mind, and may you know through experience, His great love that we cannot wrap our mind around. Let Him love you, and take you deeper and higher with Him, that you may have the abundant life He has for you. It won’t always be easy, but I pray that you would press in and choose Him every time. He is so worth it! He longs for you so deeply – He wants to share His heart with you, if you would just let Him.

In faith, hope and love

Janine

My roommates - Kiny, Maddy, me, Gill and Laura

first two weeks back...

An update written 8 October 2011 – Arvada, Colorado

It was really sad to say goodbye (again), and a really long flight (33 hours), but God is so faithful and it is SO good to be back here again. It really does feel like home in many ways!

So there are 4 schools running this quarter at YWAM Denver: a Musicians DTS, Young People’s DTS, School of Social Justice (which I did last year) and School of Ministry Development (which I am doing now). There are over 100 students this quarter, so it’s pretty busy!

The first week was really full of getting to know people and settling in. Praise God, I have had absolutely no jet lag and have been sleeping pretty solidly from 11pm-7am every night! Previously, the first week has been hard as I only fell asleep around 3am and then had to get up early. God is so good! There are 30 students in my school, which is the sum of all my previous schools! Our director is Mark Davies – an amazing man of God who is a great leader and inspiration.

It has been amazing to see how all the students are diving straight in. Worship times have been so Spirit filled, with people relinquishing things, strongholds being broken and lives being changed – and it’s only week 2! During worship last Wednesday, they said they felt like God wanted to break strongholds that have been in people’s lives for a long time, so I thought about the fear and insecurities that have previously had a huge hold in my life. As I thought about it, I didn’t have that heart-beating feeling when you know you need to go forward – I just had a huge sense of peace. And then I realised that God was confirming to me that those things are over and done with in my life. Praise God! I knew I had been through a process over the last 2 years of breaking them down, but to know that they are gone is SO freeing!

Last Friday, we had our normal Kingdom Night, where we went into downtown Denver to love people and worship Jesus on the streets. At first, I just sat and sang along with the guy playing guitar, then stood up and watched for people who stopped to see what was going on. This one guy came over, and asked if the packets we had were to give out (they had toothpaste, water, etc in them), so I gave him one. He also noticed the Bibles we had there, and asked for one of those two, and pointed to a specific one he wanted, because he used to have one like it. It turned out he was homeless, and couldn’t get a job because his ID had been stolen, and was trying to get a new one, but they couldn’t find his birth certificate either. So I prayed for him, and he left. Shortly afterwards, a 22 year old woman (Toni), came up and was watching what was going on. I started up a conversation with her, and it turned out that in the last couple of months, a really close neighbour, her mom, uncle and cousin had all died. So she had a lot of pain, anger, questions and frustration at God and the world. I got to just listen to her, and also share how I dealt with my close friend Claire’s death two years ago, and my grandpa’s death four years ago. Earlier in the conversation, I offered to pray for her, and she declined. Later on, some other people were praying for someone else, and she said prayer actually sounded pretty good, ‘cause her family could use all the help they could get. She used to go to church etc with her mom, but now she’s mad at God for taking her away. She said she wouldn’t normally have stopped, but for some reason, tonight she did. After we prayed for her, she said she felt better. Please keep praying for her – that she will slow down and give God listening time to answer all the questions she’s asking Him, and that she would be open to experience the amazing love and comfort of our God.

Last Saturday, we watched a documentary by Exodus Cry called Nefarious, which is about human trafficking. Flip, hardcore! Almost every one was in tears, but there is also so much hope in Jesus! We had a time of praying for each other and interceding for this issue afterwards, which was so beautiful, because our tears bless God’s heart so much. It was glorious. Yes, there is great evil in this world, but our God is greater and His love is more powerful! Please take a few minutes to watch the trailer at http://nefariousdocumentary.com/. Awareness is one of the ways that we can stop this atrocity.

Right after that, some of us were sitting around in the lobby of the base with a guitar or two and singing, and more people joined, and it turned into a spontaneous, powerful time of worshipping our God together for who He is. He is so glorious! It was so beautiful, seeing the students gathering together, and freely worshiping our God. This kind of stuff normally happens around week 9, and it’s only week 2! So please be praying for more of God! He has something huge planned for this quarter and all these students. It’s so exciting, and I am so blessed to be able to be back here for this time!

This last week’s teaching was on discovering your strengths, and living and treating others from that perspective – building them up in what they are naturally good and teaching from that perspective, instead of trying to make them into someone they aren’t naturally.

The entire community is heading down to the Colorado Springs base to meet with other bases for what is called the Acts 1 Conference, where we meet together, pray and seek the Lord. I am so excited to see what God is going do and say. Please be praying that we will be united in heart, and that we would be expectant and open to let God be Himself.

In faith, hope and love,

Janine

how I ended up in Denver... again...

For those of you who don’t remember, YWAM (Youth With A Mission) is an international, inter-denominations, non-profit Christian missionary organisation. Their focus is to know God and make Him known, through training, mercy ministries and evangelism. They train and equip people to grown in relationship with God and to love and serve others.

YWAM Denver is in Colorado in the United States. What I love most about them is their focus on worship and leadership training. Last year, I was there for almost a year. I did my Discipleship Training School (DTS), which is the basic entrance program into YWAM. It is a 3 months lecture and training, with topics like the Father heart of God, relationships, spiritual warfare, evangelism, Holy Spirit, followed by a 2 month outreach where you put everything into practise. I went to Thailand, where we loved the unloved in a rural Burmese refugee village, in the slums of Bangkok and the bars of Phuket.

After that, I did a secondary school of Biblical Foundations (SBF), where I was equipped to study the Bible, through reading it chronologically, and studying church history, and other study tools. After that, I did a school of Social Justice (SSJ) which was focused on knowing and seeing God’s heart in and despite the justice issues all over the world. We looked at things like human trafficking, modern-day slavery, refugees, poverty, community development and Aids. Off of that school, I went on another 2 month outreach to Brazil where we worked with an orphanage and with local community ministries.

So last year was pretty busy, with 3 schools and 2 outreaches with YWAM so far. Through that time, God brought me out of the bondage of believing lies and fear of so many things, and brought me into truth, joy, freedom and life! I have seen God do incredible things in and through me, and my life will never be the same.

I came home in February this year, and the first few months were really hard, but as I settled down and got involved, I’ve seen so much of how I’ve grown and how God is preparing me. It was amazing to get involved in ministry at home - worship, KFC (kids program), Gap (youth program), HBC (winter kids holiday club), Mthatha (winter outreach/missions trip), Alpha course and a Beth Moore Bible study. I’ve also been tutoring and did some Teaching English as a Foreign Language (TEFL) training. I also dabbled in cooking, art and guitar. It was amazing to be able to do what I’d been doing overseas, at home, and to see God very much at work there too.

Also been able to help with everything after my mom’s operation – totally God!

I’ve been learning so much about faith and trusting God with everything, every day. It’s been amazing to look back and see how much I’ve grown in the last year and a half, and get excited about where God is leading me next!

So now I’m doing the School of Ministry Development here at YWAM Denver. (See http://www.ywamdenver.org/training/school-of-ministry-development/ for details). Throughout last year, whenever I was deciding what to do next, this school kept on coming up, but it was never quite right.

I have felt and many people have prophesied ‘the nations’ over me, so I’m pretty sure I’ll go all over the place throughout my life. I was thinking about this a lot in Brazil, and one time I was casually thinking ‘how the heck do I go to all the nations??’ and a simple phrase popped straight into my mind, right as I thought that: ‘A bridge to the nations’, which happens to be YWAM Denver’s slogan. I cracked up laughing. God has such a great sense of humour!

So I kind of knew I’d be doing this school sometime, or at least going back to Denver. The question was when. I came home in February, and nearly left in April to do this school, but God said wait. So I waited. And when I asked Him if I could go in September, He finally said yes! I am so glad I did! One of the things God said, was that if I couldn’t find and choose joy at home, I wouldn’t be able to in other places. If I couldn’t be satisfied with where I was, I would not be satisfied with where I was going. God taught me so much during me time at home – patients and trusting Him being quite a hot topic!

So it’s been a long time coming! I’ve wanted to do this school for a while, but never really felt ready to do it yet. Looking back, I totally wasn’t! I feel so much more ready for this school now, and so free to just go with what God is saying and where He’s leading me, without worrying.

One of the things I’ve noticed is that I love helping people and pouring out into their lives some of what has been poured into mine. I long to see a generation rise up that is passionately in love with their God and who will go out and change the world, and I want to be a part of equipping them to do so. I want to see revival come to this world again, and will do anything and everything I can for God to bring His Kingdom.

At Cape Town United one Friday night (a city wide youth gathering), the speaker spoke about how God is looking for people who are willing to say ‘yes’ to God, trusting that He has the ‘how’ figured out. That it my heart’s cry.

I know I’m going on some pretty sweet adventures with God, and I am so willing to go anywhere He leads. Regardless of any ‘cost’ to myself, cause He gave it all for me already. I want to see “His Kingdom come and will be done on the earth as it is in heaven”, through loving God passionately and loving others radically. All of this, so that the Lamb may receive the reward for His suffering. I don’t want my will, but God’s to be done – whatever that looks like, that He would have His way.

A few months ago, a group of young people gathered in Hawaii for what they called the school of the Circuit Riders. See this link for the promo video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CdzPAhKQPgI. Every time I watch it, my heart starts beating with excitement – cause that is my heart! I don’t know what it will look like, but I’m so willing to trust God and find out! ‘I will go, send me!’

It is always such a blessing knowing I have family and friends praying for me and supporting me while I’m away. Pinelands Baptist is my family and community, and has a special place in my heart.

I booked my flights using frequent flyer miles, and the missions committee have set aside an amount to contribute towards the school costs. I have been working and tutoring to make money for this school too. A couple of weeks before I was due to leave, I was chatting to God about stuff, and told Him that I don’t want to try to say the right thing to try to manipulate Him to provide the money. I don’t need to do that, cause He’s a loving Father who is my provider, and I can trust Him. So I told Him, I need money. That’s it. I’m doing what I can. It’s in Your hands to do the rest. The next day, I find out that someone offered to pay the rest of my expenses. Yeah, I was in a mild state of shock, awe and delight! Without me even having to ask people directly, God prompted and provided.

The thing I need most at the moment, is prayer. It is SO incredibly powerful! Stuff changes and moves when we pray. I don’t understand fully how or why, but it does. So heck, I’ll pray! I won’t let the one or two times when things don’t happen how I expect deter me from praying and missing out on the millions of other times when God just shows up!

Here’s what you can be praying for:

The leadership of the school and base and the students – for an openness, willingness and courage to surrender, learn, struggle, grow and dream with God.

A continued outpouring of God’s love and Spirit.

Revival and awakening in the church and all the earth.

Please be praying for these things – not just here in Denver, but for all people, all over the world. 

Thank you all SO much for all your support, encouragement and interest in my life. God is doing some big things, and I am so excited to be involved in what He is doing internationally at the moment.

In faith, hope and love,

Janine

battle cry...

Regina Spektor's song 'The Call' has a very special place in my heart, and always seems to come up at times like this - when I'm moving (again) and saying 'goodbye'.

It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word
And then that word grew louder and louder
'Til it was a battle cry
I'll come back
When you call me
No need to say goodbye 

Just because everything's changing
Doesn't mean it's never
Been this way before
All you can do is try to know
Who your friends are
As you head off to the war
Pick a star on the dark horizon
And follow the light
You'll come back
When it's over
No need to say good bye 

Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and no one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it too
Doesn't mean that you have to forget
Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
'Til they're before your eyes
You'll come back
When they call you
No need to say good bye

I just listened to this song about 5 times, and the first verse really struck me. With me leaving, and stepping out into what God is calling me to, it took on a new meaning. It all did start out as a feeling, then it became a hope, then a thought, then a word, which grew louder and louder, and now it's my battle cry.

I don't know what will happen after this, but I will come back, 'cause this is home. I like that there is no need to say goodbye. It's a 'see you later', which is more hopeful and exciting.

Everything is changing, but it has happened before. All I do need to do is hold onto my friends, and Jesus (my star and hope on the dark horizon). And just 'cause not everyone understands my passion, doesn't mean I should ignore it, but rather embrace it and let it fuel me.

So here's to me heading off to war, following my Jesus - full of the passion and battle cry that have been building in my heart. I am a warrior princess, cloaked in authority and power through His anointing and Spirit.

a day away with God...

Our church, Pinelands Baptist, has been running an Alpha course on Wednesday evenings, which I have been privileged to help facilitate. It has been a great time for all of us to go deeper in our faith - even if that is in the beginning stages of questioning and discovering.

Yesterday, we went away as a group to Kleinmond for a 'Holy Spirit day away'. On some Alpha courses, this is a whole weekend away, but since many of our participants have families, this wasn't possible, so we did our own day-long version. So much prayer and preparation went into this weekend, and with such God-results!

The drive up was beautiful - mist covered the ground, and the sun peeped over the mountain, visible through the mist. God is so creative!

Craig co-lead the day, mixing the DVD teachings with his own, on who the Holy Spirit is, what He does and how to be filled with the Holy Spirit, followed by a time to put this all into practice. It was wonderful hearing people's questions, confusions, doubts and understanding all coming out and being challenged. We had some discussion time in smaller groups, which again was fascinating! Over lunch, I got to hear two ladies, both who started this course not knowing Jesus personally, saying how glad they are that they have done this course and how many of their questions have been answered. Praise God! During the practical time, we invited the Holy Spirit to come, and prayed for each other to receive a fresh filling of Him. It was so beautiful to watch as each person experienced God in their own unique ways, as God met them where they were at and loved them. There was tears, laughter, peace, joy, freedom, love, passion and healing being poured out all over that place!

God is doing such amazing things all over the world! Amazing is too small a word... It doesn't wrap up how crazy or huge He is!

On the way back, we took the coastal route, which reminded me again that Cape Town really is one of the most beautiful places in the world, and that it will always have a special place in my heart, no matter where in the world I am.

During that time, I had this weird feeling growing in my stomach - a nervous excitement is probably the closest I could come to describing it. I wanted it to go away, 'cause it was weird, but at the same time, I didn't want it too. I asked God what it was, and He said it's for the things to come - what He is about to do, that will far exceed anything we could ever hope or imagine!

through a cup of coffee...

Flip man, I just love helping and loving people! Tonight's sermon was on 'evangelism'. I don't like that term, cause it's too Christianesey. It's not some spiritual thing - it's just being a friend to others, and telling them about your best Friend who happens to also want to be their Friend too :) It's all about love.

They offered to pray for people after the service if you wanted, to do with the whole 'evangelism' and going out and telling others about our Jesus. So I was just chilling with God, but got that annoying feeling when God's like 'hey, that's you'. Silly me tried to reason out of going up, 'cause I've been prayed for before for this kinda thing, so I don't really need to again. Sure sign it's God when you start to reason yourself out of it. Haha. After this happening a lot, I've gotten used to recognising this, so I was like, really God? And He, in His wonderful humour, said 'Just get your butt up there and get prayed for.' So I did, and realised that it was about the obedience, and that if I say I will go for God, I need to start now. It was awesome - such peace and God saying 'See, not so bad? You silly, lovely girl'.

After church, we headed over to Spur (local burger restaurant), but found it closed, so went to Mc Donalds instead. We walked past two guys on the way in who greeted us, so I greeted them back, asked how they were and they commented on how cold it was. Small talk. We went inside, and I was like - what the heck, let's buy them coffee. So I did. Went outside to give it to them, and almost walked away at that, but stayed and talked to them.

It was such a blessing to see their immense gratitude for a cup of coffee. They asked my name, and told me 'God bless you', when I was the one trying to bless them. Nice one God! I asked their names, and what they do. Peter and Andile wash cars in the parking lot outside the shopping center, but because it was raining today, they hadn't made enough money to buy bread for their family. They were waiting there in the cold, hoping for someone to buy them bread, so they could finally go home to their families. How could I not buy them bread too? Man, were they grateful! Peter said that he was amazed by how kind I was - that there aren't many people who will stop and talk to them, and that I offered without them having to ask. He said He would pray for me before he goes to bed tonight and thank God for me. Flip man! How challenging! So I offered to pray for them, which they received so gladly.

Ended up finding out that Peter had been to Pinelands Baptist Church once before, but everyone had given him weird looks, like wondering why a beggar was there, and that it had hurt him. That made me so sad - and ashamed to represent that, but honoured to get to improve his opinion. He commented on how many Christians believe in their head, but not in their heart and with their lives - so true! He told me that doesn't go to church at the moment, but that he still read his Bible, and wanted to help other people in his situation to learn to rely on God like he does, maybe even preach in a church one day!

It was such a beautiful encounter - just meeting a simple need of hot coffee on a warm night, and listening to their story. It was no inconvenience to me really at all - just a little bit of my time. But there is no place I would rather be when Jesus returns, than loving and helping people. It was such a blessing to me, and I'm sure to Peter and Andile too. Praise God for His extravagant grace and love that is so infectious, and that will permeate culture, life and the entire earth!