every day victories...

Gah, so I'm finally getting around to writing again... Honestly, these last couple of weeks have been annoyingly hard. I've been fighting back depression a lot of the time, and really struggling with the fact that I am here. A friend of mine wisely said to 'keep your heart where your feet are'. This is probably the majority of my struggle, because I really do have friends and family all over the world who I would love to be with. My life back in Denver or Brazil or Thailand seems so much better and appealing than my life right now, yet I am here, so I need to make the best of it etc. 'Intentional' is the world that keeps coming up for me... I really do need to choose it and make it count. Every day. It's really hard! I didn't think that adjusting back to life here would be this hard...

I guess it's a good thing it is hard, cause that means that I'm growing. Often when stuff starts going all peachy and I'm thinking there's nothing wrong etc, I usually get worried, cause I know that I am definitely not perfect, and so there should be something God is working on in me. In those times when it's daisies and rainbows, I think that God's giving me a break, only to get whacked in the face by my own pride. Oh pride, you always come before a fall... Clichéd maybe, but still true. Pride is one of our biggest downfalls, cause it leads us to depend on ourselves, not God... and that just opens up a whole huge big can of worms.

Yes, there's the whole deal of inferior pride/false humility, but we really aren't all that amazing. Thank God that we are being redeemed and restored, but we are very much works in progress! Another friend of mine told me this:

I had a nightmare where everyone accepted me just as I am, and I missed the chance at being a better man

So that whacked me in the face a little bit... How profound?! So often we want people to accept us and just love us how we are, but we aren't perfect, and yes that is something we do need to accept. But I don't think that means settling. We should always be striving to be better, to be more like Jesus, and encouraging each other to do the same. God is always in the process of transforming us into His likeness, getting rid of the bad and bringing out the good.

But then comes the whole striving to please, and how we can't earn God's love or grace or forgiveness, and how a focus on self-performance is really damaging and potentially dangerous. Sometimes it frustrates me what a fine line there is to walk between everything... but I know the freedom that comes from loving God and being loved by Him is so much greater!

Yes, everyday is a struggle, but that also means that every day is a victory. Each time I choose life over death, truth over lies, joy over depression... every time I choose Him, I win. The way you fight the battle, is the battle. Instead of telling God how big my problems are, I tell my problems how big my God is. By doing so, it becomes ridiculously obvious that those 'problems' are mere cobwebs to be brushed aside. It really is all about our perspective...

So that's a couple of thoughts that just spewed out... May God bless you as you seek His face, and help you to realise that He can move the mountains in your life, for He is greater and stronger - He defeated death and sin, so He can any and everything else too. He is awesome and powerful, and He is love

thoughts on 'vasbyt'ing...

so these last couple of days have been really hard, partly because I'm missing America a lot - not so much the place (as beautiful and wonderful as it is), but all the amazing people that I met during my time there, who became like family to me.

I know that I need to be here for now, but it's just so hard when half my heart is on another continent, and when I know that I'm most likely going back again...

So what do I do? I 'vasbyt' (meaning, literally, to 'bite hard' in Afrikaans - 'to be uncomplaining in the face of difficulty or adversity'), and trust that God knows what He's doing. I know He does - it's just hard to sit and wait, while not becoming complacent, and seeking Him, while getting involved, and trying to meet up with people again... gosh, it really bugs me how delayed South Africans are (myself included), but seriously! Guess it's the 'warm climate' culture part that comes out, especially in Cape Town, where we are particularly known for our delayed-ness.

Anyway, so I know that this time will be vital, I'm just struggling to see what it is that God is busy doing in me at the moment. Over the last couple of months, I've had the sense that He's busy working something very deep inside of me, and that it needs to be completely altered before I can head on. It really does feel like God is twisting and molding something in the root of who I am - which is not the most pleasant thing... He's going at it slowly, and with great precision. If He went too quickly, something might break or get damaged, or the angle might not be right, or the sides not smooth enough. So He needs to do it painstakingly slowly... while this is great, because it doesn't involve huge amounts of intense pain, it's annoying, 'cause instead, it's a slow, dull, constant pain. Kinda like having braces: when you first get them on, it hurts, but over time, as they straighten out, it gets easier, but there's always that pressure on your teeth as they slowly shift, millimeter by millimeter. Thankfully, God is a Master at all He does, and so I can trust Him to get everything straight and in it's right place.

While trusting Him is hard, it really isn't, because He is is unchanging and faithful, and He cannot be other than who He is. He is good, and He is love, so He will always do what is best for us, even if we don't think so at the time.

So there's a little bit of a splurge about what's going on at the moment...
I pray that God will give us patience and peace as we allow Him to work in the deep places of our hearts and lives, molding us as only He knows how, into the beautiful creation He made us to be.

a poem about faith and other things...

sometimes i wish i knew what You were up to

what You are so busy doing, that i cannot see

i feel so blind and confused right now

but i know You’re working and moulding me

faith is often walking blind and trusting who You are

You are good, faithful and constant – the only One who is

so i know i can trust You, its just so hard to sometimes

when i cannot see the way ahead

and i feel torn and confused

i will turn to You alone

knowing You know what to do

i know You hold my hand

and guide me along the right path

You can see the big picture

and You are always good

life is about the journey, not the destination

You’re all about relationship, not just obedience

so i will let go of my pride, myself and my control

and give it all to You again

for i can’t make this happen

its all in Your hands

teach and guide me, love me and lead me

help me to see what is next

lead me along the best pathway for my life

that i may bring You glory and honour

that i may live for You

thank You that You care more about who i am that what i do

that You pick me up when i trip and fall

that nothing i do is beyond redemption

that You just want me to love You and to love me in return

teach me what it means to live life in love with You

it blows my mind every time i think that that is even possible

to be able to love and be loved by the Creator God, my Father

who wants to pour out His abundant love and blessings on my life

all i can say is thank You

nothing else will do

i cannot even imagine doing anything other than giving it all back to You

You gave it all for me, and nothing i give is anything by comparison

but there is Grace who redeems us and Hope that saves us

- His name is Jesus