on choosing intimacy...

I really feel like I need to write something here, to try and express what's on my heart at the moment. It's a ball of string knotted in my head, so do excuse any weirdness or jumbled ideas.

Over the last couple of weeks, God has been inviting me into deeper intimacy with Him. Now that's all great and peachy, but for some reason, it terrifies me. Whenever I make an effort, I get struck with fear, inadequacy, intimidation, awe and wonder... This is the fear of the LORD. It's beautiful, but if not handled right or understood, it can be crippling, especially if we stop because of it. It is so different from other fears. Fear of man, of failure, of inadequacy, even of our own potential, stifle us and cripple us. Fear of the LORD brings freedom that comes from realising how big and wonderful and powerful He is, and how little we are.

Yes, those other fears unfortunately do still pop up in my life. Just the other day, I was almost overwhelmed by the feelings of inadequacy, needing to prove myself and satisfy what others want me to be and do. It was one of the worst feelings ever - kind of like an asthma attack, but physical, mental, emotional and spiritual all at the same time. I wanted to scream, but couldn't muster enough strength to let it out, and for fear that I wouldn't be able to stop.

Since being home, I keep getting asked the same, most obnoxious question ever: 'so what are you doing now?' I know people mean well by it, but it is ladened with the pressures and expectations that I need to 'do something' with my life, that my year at YWAM was a stint which I now need to grow up from and enter the 'real world', that I have to go and study something useful so that I can get a 'real' job and have some sort of purpose to my life. While some of this is true, the way it's expressed is stifling. When I tell people that I'm not 'doing' anything at the moment in that kind of a sense, I feel their judgement dump right down on my shoulders.

The other day, I was so fed up that I said to God, 'maybe I should just go study something so that people will get off my back and stop bugging me'. And God, in all His wonderful humour and wisdom, said, 'Seriously, Janine?' He then reminded me ever so gently that life is not pleasing other people, about being accepted, or having others accept what you choose to do. He reminded me that Jesus was scorned, rejected and hated by all the well-to-do religous people in His time - the people who has pull and say over what went down. He reminded me that, having chosen to follow Him, I will be doing stuff that not everyone agrees with or understands. He reminded me that it will be hard, and that I will have to choose Him constantly. He reminded me that through it all, He is with me, holding my hand and guiding me. He reminded me that obedience to Him, is much better than trying to please people. He reminded me that this is His time.

So that aside, what has God been saying to me?
After my initial 40 days of rest and romance with God (after getting home from Denver), I was asking Him what was next, and whether I could go back to Denver again. He said His favourite thing as of recently: 'wait'. Very much like a stubborn child, I crossed my arms and said 'fine'. But then He started to reveal why I was waiting - the purpose for this time and how it is so much more than just waiting.

During this time, He is beckoning me deeper. There is so much available to us as Christians that so few people know about, and even few embrace. The reason: fear. God is God, and therefore a lot of stuff around Him is mysterious and unknown. This doesn't have to be a bad thing though, as God has been teaching me, because mystery makes things interesting. As a kid, I loved a good treasure hunt, adventure, or puzzle. God, in His mercy and glory, hides stuff for us to find. He knows how much we delight in adventure and in discovery. He also knows that we will value, treasure and look after what we have to put a lot of effort into getting. If He just gave us something, without us going through a process of desiring it, seeking it out and learning in the process, we would lack the character, responsibility and strength to properly steward and look after what we acquire.

With great power and knowledge, comes great responsibility. God knows this, which is why He doesn't just dump stuff in our laps right off the bat. The consequences for bad stewardship and disobedience is worse than for ignorance. Ignorance is indeed bliss, because you can't un-know what you know. Once you know it, you have a responsibility to do something about it. A hungry heart is one that will absorb so much more. God wants to see us putting into practice and treasuring His gifts. He wants us to have a big enough boat and anchor for the seas we're sailing.

If you had a bath tub, you could sail a small boat in it, and not need a big anchor. In a swimming pool, you'd need a bigger one. In a pond, you'd need a bigger one. In a river, you'd need an even bigger one. For open sea sailing, you'd need a well prepared, decently sized boat with a sturdy anchor, so that through the harshest conditions and storms, you wouldn't break, capsize or sink.

God knows this, which is why He goes to so much trouble of growing and preparing us. One of the things He keeps saying to me about this time, is that it is vital in preparation for what is to come... I know that God and I are going to do some pretty amazing things together, and because of this hope, and my trust in Him, I will actively wait, seek His face and seek intimacy with Him as though my life depends on it, because in many (if not all) ways, it really does.

God doesn't have favorites, He has intimates. He longs for us to take the time to seek His face, because He wants to entrust His amazing treasures to us. He longs for those He can share secrets with about what He is doing and going to do. He longs for intimates who will partner with Him in what He is doing. This is an amazing privilege available to all of us, if we will seek Him. For He says that if we seek Him, we will find Him, when we seek Him with all our heart.

This doesn't mean that it'll be easy sailing. I can tell you that from experience! It will be hard, because the last thing satan wants is for us to be intimate with God - that is where we get and walk in our power and authority to rule. Not that all of the bad stuff that happens can be accredited to him, because he really isn't powerful or creative enough for it. Our own sinful nature is what most often gets in the way. It's hard to break out of old habits, ways of thinking and doing stuff. Deeper intimacy with God is hard, because it costs us everything - especially our comfort and what other's think of us. But no one has ever really sacrificed anything for God, because He always gives such abundance back to us, that we are so much better off than we would have been other wise.

So here's to giving it all, to receive it all! God, help us to seek You with all our heart, soul, mind and strength. Lead us to those deserts where we have nothing but You, so that we can discover the intimacy with You and the secret treasures that You have hidden for us to find. Thank You that You know what we need and will provide, and that all we need to do is seek You, delight in You and ask.