every day victories...

Gah, so I'm finally getting around to writing again... Honestly, these last couple of weeks have been annoyingly hard. I've been fighting back depression a lot of the time, and really struggling with the fact that I am here. A friend of mine wisely said to 'keep your heart where your feet are'. This is probably the majority of my struggle, because I really do have friends and family all over the world who I would love to be with. My life back in Denver or Brazil or Thailand seems so much better and appealing than my life right now, yet I am here, so I need to make the best of it etc. 'Intentional' is the world that keeps coming up for me... I really do need to choose it and make it count. Every day. It's really hard! I didn't think that adjusting back to life here would be this hard...

I guess it's a good thing it is hard, cause that means that I'm growing. Often when stuff starts going all peachy and I'm thinking there's nothing wrong etc, I usually get worried, cause I know that I am definitely not perfect, and so there should be something God is working on in me. In those times when it's daisies and rainbows, I think that God's giving me a break, only to get whacked in the face by my own pride. Oh pride, you always come before a fall... Clichéd maybe, but still true. Pride is one of our biggest downfalls, cause it leads us to depend on ourselves, not God... and that just opens up a whole huge big can of worms.

Yes, there's the whole deal of inferior pride/false humility, but we really aren't all that amazing. Thank God that we are being redeemed and restored, but we are very much works in progress! Another friend of mine told me this:

I had a nightmare where everyone accepted me just as I am, and I missed the chance at being a better man

So that whacked me in the face a little bit... How profound?! So often we want people to accept us and just love us how we are, but we aren't perfect, and yes that is something we do need to accept. But I don't think that means settling. We should always be striving to be better, to be more like Jesus, and encouraging each other to do the same. God is always in the process of transforming us into His likeness, getting rid of the bad and bringing out the good.

But then comes the whole striving to please, and how we can't earn God's love or grace or forgiveness, and how a focus on self-performance is really damaging and potentially dangerous. Sometimes it frustrates me what a fine line there is to walk between everything... but I know the freedom that comes from loving God and being loved by Him is so much greater!

Yes, everyday is a struggle, but that also means that every day is a victory. Each time I choose life over death, truth over lies, joy over depression... every time I choose Him, I win. The way you fight the battle, is the battle. Instead of telling God how big my problems are, I tell my problems how big my God is. By doing so, it becomes ridiculously obvious that those 'problems' are mere cobwebs to be brushed aside. It really is all about our perspective...

So that's a couple of thoughts that just spewed out... May God bless you as you seek His face, and help you to realise that He can move the mountains in your life, for He is greater and stronger - He defeated death and sin, so He can any and everything else too. He is awesome and powerful, and He is love

thoughts on 'vasbyt'ing...

so these last couple of days have been really hard, partly because I'm missing America a lot - not so much the place (as beautiful and wonderful as it is), but all the amazing people that I met during my time there, who became like family to me.

I know that I need to be here for now, but it's just so hard when half my heart is on another continent, and when I know that I'm most likely going back again...

So what do I do? I 'vasbyt' (meaning, literally, to 'bite hard' in Afrikaans - 'to be uncomplaining in the face of difficulty or adversity'), and trust that God knows what He's doing. I know He does - it's just hard to sit and wait, while not becoming complacent, and seeking Him, while getting involved, and trying to meet up with people again... gosh, it really bugs me how delayed South Africans are (myself included), but seriously! Guess it's the 'warm climate' culture part that comes out, especially in Cape Town, where we are particularly known for our delayed-ness.

Anyway, so I know that this time will be vital, I'm just struggling to see what it is that God is busy doing in me at the moment. Over the last couple of months, I've had the sense that He's busy working something very deep inside of me, and that it needs to be completely altered before I can head on. It really does feel like God is twisting and molding something in the root of who I am - which is not the most pleasant thing... He's going at it slowly, and with great precision. If He went too quickly, something might break or get damaged, or the angle might not be right, or the sides not smooth enough. So He needs to do it painstakingly slowly... while this is great, because it doesn't involve huge amounts of intense pain, it's annoying, 'cause instead, it's a slow, dull, constant pain. Kinda like having braces: when you first get them on, it hurts, but over time, as they straighten out, it gets easier, but there's always that pressure on your teeth as they slowly shift, millimeter by millimeter. Thankfully, God is a Master at all He does, and so I can trust Him to get everything straight and in it's right place.

While trusting Him is hard, it really isn't, because He is is unchanging and faithful, and He cannot be other than who He is. He is good, and He is love, so He will always do what is best for us, even if we don't think so at the time.

So there's a little bit of a splurge about what's going on at the moment...
I pray that God will give us patience and peace as we allow Him to work in the deep places of our hearts and lives, molding us as only He knows how, into the beautiful creation He made us to be.

a poem about faith and other things...

sometimes i wish i knew what You were up to

what You are so busy doing, that i cannot see

i feel so blind and confused right now

but i know You’re working and moulding me

faith is often walking blind and trusting who You are

You are good, faithful and constant – the only One who is

so i know i can trust You, its just so hard to sometimes

when i cannot see the way ahead

and i feel torn and confused

i will turn to You alone

knowing You know what to do

i know You hold my hand

and guide me along the right path

You can see the big picture

and You are always good

life is about the journey, not the destination

You’re all about relationship, not just obedience

so i will let go of my pride, myself and my control

and give it all to You again

for i can’t make this happen

its all in Your hands

teach and guide me, love me and lead me

help me to see what is next

lead me along the best pathway for my life

that i may bring You glory and honour

that i may live for You

thank You that You care more about who i am that what i do

that You pick me up when i trip and fall

that nothing i do is beyond redemption

that You just want me to love You and to love me in return

teach me what it means to live life in love with You

it blows my mind every time i think that that is even possible

to be able to love and be loved by the Creator God, my Father

who wants to pour out His abundant love and blessings on my life

all i can say is thank You

nothing else will do

i cannot even imagine doing anything other than giving it all back to You

You gave it all for me, and nothing i give is anything by comparison

but there is Grace who redeems us and Hope that saves us

- His name is Jesus

on choosing intimacy...

I really feel like I need to write something here, to try and express what's on my heart at the moment. It's a ball of string knotted in my head, so do excuse any weirdness or jumbled ideas.

Over the last couple of weeks, God has been inviting me into deeper intimacy with Him. Now that's all great and peachy, but for some reason, it terrifies me. Whenever I make an effort, I get struck with fear, inadequacy, intimidation, awe and wonder... This is the fear of the LORD. It's beautiful, but if not handled right or understood, it can be crippling, especially if we stop because of it. It is so different from other fears. Fear of man, of failure, of inadequacy, even of our own potential, stifle us and cripple us. Fear of the LORD brings freedom that comes from realising how big and wonderful and powerful He is, and how little we are.

Yes, those other fears unfortunately do still pop up in my life. Just the other day, I was almost overwhelmed by the feelings of inadequacy, needing to prove myself and satisfy what others want me to be and do. It was one of the worst feelings ever - kind of like an asthma attack, but physical, mental, emotional and spiritual all at the same time. I wanted to scream, but couldn't muster enough strength to let it out, and for fear that I wouldn't be able to stop.

Since being home, I keep getting asked the same, most obnoxious question ever: 'so what are you doing now?' I know people mean well by it, but it is ladened with the pressures and expectations that I need to 'do something' with my life, that my year at YWAM was a stint which I now need to grow up from and enter the 'real world', that I have to go and study something useful so that I can get a 'real' job and have some sort of purpose to my life. While some of this is true, the way it's expressed is stifling. When I tell people that I'm not 'doing' anything at the moment in that kind of a sense, I feel their judgement dump right down on my shoulders.

The other day, I was so fed up that I said to God, 'maybe I should just go study something so that people will get off my back and stop bugging me'. And God, in all His wonderful humour and wisdom, said, 'Seriously, Janine?' He then reminded me ever so gently that life is not pleasing other people, about being accepted, or having others accept what you choose to do. He reminded me that Jesus was scorned, rejected and hated by all the well-to-do religous people in His time - the people who has pull and say over what went down. He reminded me that, having chosen to follow Him, I will be doing stuff that not everyone agrees with or understands. He reminded me that it will be hard, and that I will have to choose Him constantly. He reminded me that through it all, He is with me, holding my hand and guiding me. He reminded me that obedience to Him, is much better than trying to please people. He reminded me that this is His time.

So that aside, what has God been saying to me?
After my initial 40 days of rest and romance with God (after getting home from Denver), I was asking Him what was next, and whether I could go back to Denver again. He said His favourite thing as of recently: 'wait'. Very much like a stubborn child, I crossed my arms and said 'fine'. But then He started to reveal why I was waiting - the purpose for this time and how it is so much more than just waiting.

During this time, He is beckoning me deeper. There is so much available to us as Christians that so few people know about, and even few embrace. The reason: fear. God is God, and therefore a lot of stuff around Him is mysterious and unknown. This doesn't have to be a bad thing though, as God has been teaching me, because mystery makes things interesting. As a kid, I loved a good treasure hunt, adventure, or puzzle. God, in His mercy and glory, hides stuff for us to find. He knows how much we delight in adventure and in discovery. He also knows that we will value, treasure and look after what we have to put a lot of effort into getting. If He just gave us something, without us going through a process of desiring it, seeking it out and learning in the process, we would lack the character, responsibility and strength to properly steward and look after what we acquire.

With great power and knowledge, comes great responsibility. God knows this, which is why He doesn't just dump stuff in our laps right off the bat. The consequences for bad stewardship and disobedience is worse than for ignorance. Ignorance is indeed bliss, because you can't un-know what you know. Once you know it, you have a responsibility to do something about it. A hungry heart is one that will absorb so much more. God wants to see us putting into practice and treasuring His gifts. He wants us to have a big enough boat and anchor for the seas we're sailing.

If you had a bath tub, you could sail a small boat in it, and not need a big anchor. In a swimming pool, you'd need a bigger one. In a pond, you'd need a bigger one. In a river, you'd need an even bigger one. For open sea sailing, you'd need a well prepared, decently sized boat with a sturdy anchor, so that through the harshest conditions and storms, you wouldn't break, capsize or sink.

God knows this, which is why He goes to so much trouble of growing and preparing us. One of the things He keeps saying to me about this time, is that it is vital in preparation for what is to come... I know that God and I are going to do some pretty amazing things together, and because of this hope, and my trust in Him, I will actively wait, seek His face and seek intimacy with Him as though my life depends on it, because in many (if not all) ways, it really does.

God doesn't have favorites, He has intimates. He longs for us to take the time to seek His face, because He wants to entrust His amazing treasures to us. He longs for those He can share secrets with about what He is doing and going to do. He longs for intimates who will partner with Him in what He is doing. This is an amazing privilege available to all of us, if we will seek Him. For He says that if we seek Him, we will find Him, when we seek Him with all our heart.

This doesn't mean that it'll be easy sailing. I can tell you that from experience! It will be hard, because the last thing satan wants is for us to be intimate with God - that is where we get and walk in our power and authority to rule. Not that all of the bad stuff that happens can be accredited to him, because he really isn't powerful or creative enough for it. Our own sinful nature is what most often gets in the way. It's hard to break out of old habits, ways of thinking and doing stuff. Deeper intimacy with God is hard, because it costs us everything - especially our comfort and what other's think of us. But no one has ever really sacrificed anything for God, because He always gives such abundance back to us, that we are so much better off than we would have been other wise.

So here's to giving it all, to receive it all! God, help us to seek You with all our heart, soul, mind and strength. Lead us to those deserts where we have nothing but You, so that we can discover the intimacy with You and the secret treasures that You have hidden for us to find. Thank You that You know what we need and will provide, and that all we need to do is seek You, delight in You and ask.

on letting go...

Today my cousin leaves for the States to do a DTS with YWAM Montana. I am SUPER excited for her, because I know that God is going to do such amazing things in and through her! I am also a little bit more than a little jealous that I don't get to do too, because honestly, I'd love to and really want to go back...

I've been home for 7 weeks now, which feels like forever... Part of me was really hoping that I could jet back to the States in time for the Spring Phase 2 (School of Ministry Development at YWAM Denver), which would mean that I would also be leaving today... But God, in His profound wisdom, said 'wait'. Tough to hear, because at home, I don't feel like I'm doing all that much, because part of my being home is to rest. That may sound awesome, but resting is SO HARD! Seriously, give it a try for more than a week, with no long term commitments, and try to focus on consciously resting and NOT making any long term plans... its hard!

So whilst doing that for 40 days, part of me was holding onto the plan of going to in April. I knew this was highly unlikely, because I'd been gone for 14 months prior to that, and my family do deserve some time with me, before I jet off again, and I needed to do random things like get my drivers licence. So I started looking into options for going back, and seeing how I could manage to get it all together in time. It kinda worked, but I still felt like I was cheating. Not only my family, but also myself, and more importantly, God.

So when the last weekend before the end of my 40 days of 'rest', I was hounding God about what we were going to do next. I don't know if you've tried this, but a sure way to not hear God very clearly is to ask Him about the future. I don't know all the reasons why, but I just know that that's when it gets messy and confusing. I guess in my heart, I knew that I was going to stay longer, but I still held onto the idea of leaving in April, and therefore didn't actually allow myself to rest properly. I was still trying to manipulate the situation and plan as best I could, and try and make it work. When God is trying to ask you to trust Him, and you say you do, and then try to control the little bits you can, it just doesn't work.

As I was trying to go to sleep one night, that song 'Jesus take the wheel' popped into my head, and He said to me, "you've said you trust Me and that you've given Me control, so stop trying to take it back again... cause I'M DRIVIN'!" Ok, that last bit was a joke from our Brasil outreach, but it's so true. I keep saying that I trust God and have given Him control, yet I still keep trying to do things myself. I'm not saying that God doesn't want our input or want to do it with us (that's a whole other topic for another post), but He was reminding me that if I'm going to trust Him with everything, then I actually have to let go... and trust Him.

I know this sounds obvious, but it's the connection that we are so slow to make: to make head knowledge become heart knowledge. You can say that you are patient, but until you are in a situation where you have to be patient, it's not really true. So I was reminded again that I need to stop trying to do stuff myself - cause I really do make a mess of it - and just let go and let God. Yes, this is an overused Christian phrase, but it's so true. Letting go is incredibly hard for us, because throughout our lives, we are trained to hold onto what is ours and to do it yourself, because you can't really trust anyone else, 'cause they'll let you down somewhere along the way. Distrust and selfishness are built into us from day 1. This is sad, but true. So when it comes to trusting God and letting go, it's extremely hard, because we have to re-think everything and re-train ourselves.

My optometrist told me that my eye muscle tension is extremely high. Normal is 0. I used to be at -5, now I'm at -8. She asked where there was tension in my life, and then suggested that, as a result of being in an uncertain environment, my body has automatically tensed up as I try to control what little I can, even though I know that I don't need to, because I know I can trust God. That's where I think the problem comes in. We know that we can, in theory, trust God, but when it actually comes down to it, do we really?

I know I don't. Not all the time anyways, and certainly not as much as I profess or would like to. I try as hard as I can to control what I can, because if I don't, then it's out of control. Except that it's not, because God is in control, and He knows what He's doing.

I read this on some Facebook post somewhere about faith:

Faith is exactly what it takes to get through uncertainty. Faith is not necessary when you know how things are going to work out - that's knowledge. It's in the times of not knowing that faith is what sees you through to the other side. Faith is what gives you strength. Faith is the light in your heart that keeps on shining even when it's all dark outside. Now is the time to keep that faith alive!

Something that I have also come to realise is that when you let go of something, it allows it to come and go more freely and with joy. Homing pigeons or doves are like this. You can keep it locked up, but that's cruel. Or you could let it fly freely, and have it choose to come back to you.
When you think of two people, if you hold on too tightly, you hurt the other person, but if you let go, then you can freely dance together again.
It's the same with God. He gave us a choice, so that He could have the joy of knowing that we chose to love Him, because it's only love when you choose it. It hurts His heart so much when we choose not to, but it brings Him so much joy when we do choose to.

Another quote I found recently says,

The more you are willing to risk, the more God can use you. And if you're willing to risk everything, then there is nothing God can't do in and through you.

 I hope and pray that I will come to a place where I not only say that I am willing to risk everything for God, but when it really becomes true in my heart and in my actions. I'm on the way there, but it's a battle everyday, to wake up and place those things back in God's hands. I know that God knows what He's doing and that He has an amazing plan underway that I can't see at the moment, but I trust (in theory and growing in my heart), that in His timing, He'll let me in on it. I know that He will make something beautiful out of me and of my life, as I give everything to Him everyday, and live in complete surrender with Him.

I pray that God would break the distrust in our hearts, melt them again, and heal the places where we have been hurt by broken promises. God teach us to let go and let You heal us and make us into something beautiful for You. Release our hearts to dream again...