The dichotomy of life at the moment is possibly the most extreme I've experienced in a long time. And yet I have so much peace, which I am incredibly thankful for! If not for God, I would definitely be in a mental institute.
So my heart is shattered about not being able to go back to Denver right now. I feel absolutely horrible for letting everyone there down. I'd so confidently said that I would be back, and yet now I'm the one who made empty promises. Letting people down and hurting them is something that hurts me more than anything. So much so that at times I will avoid depth of friendship altogether to avoid that hurt as much as possible.
And yet as hard as I try, I seem to always end up hurting someone. All my South African friends are delighted to have me around, yet all my American friends are gutted that I won't be. I kinda wish Denver and Cape Town were neighbouring states or provinces - it would seriously make my problems so much less! Alternatively, teleportation would be fantastic!
I am torn between excitement and sadness, grief and joy, freaking out and peace, belief and disbelief, amazement and confusion, awe and fear, guilt and confidence. It's way too much to explain without sounding absolutely psychotic. Although that may already be evident :)
God gave me this beautiful image which edged up my peace levels a bit. There was this huge big rock - like building size huge. It has been fashioned, processed, beaten, heated, compressed, tested, molded and weathered a lot over the last while. I thought that this was the rock that God was going to build on top of. I was so sure of it. And then the rock started crumbling. It all fell a part. Yet a midst the rubble, there was this beautiful, precious gem. All the time that the rock was being refined, this gem was being formed on the inside. I couldn't see it, but that was what God was really after. This is the stone that God is going to use to build His temple. It's a living stone, and one of far more value that the rock I perceived to be a good thing to build on.
That gives me so much hope - to know that I wasn't hearing God wrong about everything. I was being obedient with what He was showing me and where I felt Him leading. Perhaps He wouldn't have gotten the same results if He'd told me what would happen. I've know all along that my willingness and utter abandon to Him blesses His heart, and that He will use that to accomplish all that He has in mind.
So my heart is really in a mixed place right now. I'm so surprised and excited about what is happening here - it's all so unexpected, but rather great actually. Yet my heart still does long for Denver and all those amazing people there, and all God is doing. And I can't help but wonder if or when I'll get to go back. Who knows what the future holds! All I know is that God is who He says He is, and that I can trust Him. By staying humble, teachable, and obedient, whilst loving Him with all I am and loving others, my character will be developed and His will will be accomplished.
After all, I did give Him my life, so that through everything, He might receive the most honour and glory.
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Thursday, February 09, 2012
the verdict...
So the verdict is that I'm staying in Cape Town, and I'm off to Cornerstone now to hand in my application to do a Bachelors in Theology majoring in Community Development. (See http://www.cornerstone.ac.za/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=100&Itemid=104 for the course outline).
Honestly, I have very mixed emotions. I'm really sad about not being able to go back to my American family or be a part of what is happening there. I'm also so excited about what God has in store for here! He has given me such vision for how I can do what I wanted to do in Denver, here in Cape Town too. The thing that He really loves is my willingness, and that in making disciples after that kind, I will be able to be part of raising up a generation that is completely on fire and whole-heartedly after God's heart, which is such an amazing privilege!
Monday, February 06, 2012
heading up to D-day...
Right, so here's where we are at: if I don't get the finance I need to get to Denver and live there for the rest of this year by Wednesday, then I won't be going. In which case, I will probably be doing a Bachelors of Theology majoring in Community Development at Cornerstone Institute here in Cape Town.
Some may wonder why I have set such a 'short' timeline for God to provide: well firstly He can totally do it. Secondly, if I want to do anything with this year in Cape Town, I need to start soon (like this week really). It really is quite strange how I happened upon this degree. In conversation with some friends, they asked what I would do if I were to stay here, so I mentioned a couple of things, and for some reason said 'try to get in late at Cornerstone' without really having thought about it. I went home and decided I might as well have a look at their courses, and I actually found one I'd love to do, which is a pretty big deal for me, because I've always had this problem of not knowing what I'd want to study and never having found a course I liked.
It's hard right now, because both are such amazingly good options. I'd be growing in such great ways, and having amazing opportunities to equip myself, be trained in the word, and pour out into other people's lives. As I think about both options individually, they both seem so good! And both are sad too, because either way I won't be with many of the people I've come to know and love.
So that's what's happening. The options are by no means mutually exclusive - one could easily be the equipping for the other and vice versa. As God has so often told me, much of what I will be doing has little to do with where, so right now it's all in His hands to decide where He wants me in order to have the biggest impact for the Kingdom and bring Him the most glory.
I feel a lot like Captain Jack Sparrow when he's shaking his compass and saying 'I know what I want! I know what I want!', and yet still the needle of the compass won't settle on a set direction. If I had to choose, I really don't know what I would choose. So it's in God's hands for Him to bring about what His best is - my life for His glory.
Some may wonder why I have set such a 'short' timeline for God to provide: well firstly He can totally do it. Secondly, if I want to do anything with this year in Cape Town, I need to start soon (like this week really). It really is quite strange how I happened upon this degree. In conversation with some friends, they asked what I would do if I were to stay here, so I mentioned a couple of things, and for some reason said 'try to get in late at Cornerstone' without really having thought about it. I went home and decided I might as well have a look at their courses, and I actually found one I'd love to do, which is a pretty big deal for me, because I've always had this problem of not knowing what I'd want to study and never having found a course I liked.
It's hard right now, because both are such amazingly good options. I'd be growing in such great ways, and having amazing opportunities to equip myself, be trained in the word, and pour out into other people's lives. As I think about both options individually, they both seem so good! And both are sad too, because either way I won't be with many of the people I've come to know and love.
So that's what's happening. The options are by no means mutually exclusive - one could easily be the equipping for the other and vice versa. As God has so often told me, much of what I will be doing has little to do with where, so right now it's all in His hands to decide where He wants me in order to have the biggest impact for the Kingdom and bring Him the most glory.
I feel a lot like Captain Jack Sparrow when he's shaking his compass and saying 'I know what I want! I know what I want!', and yet still the needle of the compass won't settle on a set direction. If I had to choose, I really don't know what I would choose. So it's in God's hands for Him to bring about what His best is - my life for His glory.
Thursday, February 02, 2012
decisions, uncertainty and trusting...
Flip... The last few weeks have been rather stressful for multiple reasons. One of them being that I am currently in limbo, since I don't know if I'm staying in Cape Town or heading back to Denver. And in that, I don't really know which one I want more.
Since moving to Denver is a huge step, I said (with my parents' agreement) that I would take the provision of finances as confirmation from God that this is what He wants me to do now. I know that staffing at YWAM Denver will happen sometime in my life - the question has always been 'when?'. Since I wasn't really hearing much on that, I decided to go ahead with applying to join staff and get everything that I could sorted out, and now I am in a place of waiting and trusting God. Not easy, but definitely stretching!
Yes, I could book a plane ticket in faith and trust God to provide everything I need by then, or I could wait in faith and trust God to provide and then book a ticket (or alternatively carry on here). It really is such a hard place to be in, because either way I feel like I'm lacking in faith and I don't want to be doubting God or pushing Him or seem lacking in integrity of what I've said I'll do. It's a really tough place, because my heart is in both Cape Town and Denver. I don't know which one God is asking me to 'give up'/'let go of', or the time frame of that.
I can totally see why God may ask me to stay in Cape Town longer - because there are many things I need to work on, and lifestyle things that God is asking me to change but which I am being sluggish about doing. There are also a few things that I've started and haven't finished, and God may be asking me to take some time to actually finish the things that I've started. It could also be an opportunity to develop some skills which would be hugely beneficial in life and in the mission field - potentially getting a degree, or qualifications of sorts
On the flip side, I could possibly do all of the above in Denver as well, and God could be overlooking what I see as set backs in my life to give me the opportunity to grow through those and rise above them as a staff member at YWAM Denver, thereby coming to victory in those areas and delving into the inheritance God has for His people there.
So that's where my heart is right now - it's rather torn, because I long to be with my family in Denver, and would love to stay with my family in Cape Town. Both have a piece of my heart, but God has my whole heart, and only He can move me. So once again, I'm waiting and trusting Him. I know He knows what He's doing and I'd really love it if He'd let me in on the current and impending part so I can know what to prepare myself for.
I know I'm learning to trust Him more, and my character is being refined a lot. So really, either way would be great, because I know He'll be teaching and guiding me along the way. Maybe this is testing my willingness to leave it all and go to America, or to see if I'll be willing to give up that dream. Maybe it's not time yet. Maybe God has something completely different in store. I don't know.
So for now, I'm trusting, hoping, praying and waiting to see what God does... It's really not easy, but He is good and faithful. He holds the world in His hand, and I trust Him with my life. I'm trying to make preparations for both options so that either way I have something to go off of, but my poor little brain is kind of in overdrive because of all the possibilities and uncertainties. Flip am I glad that I'm not doing this on my own and that He will never abandon me!
Since moving to Denver is a huge step, I said (with my parents' agreement) that I would take the provision of finances as confirmation from God that this is what He wants me to do now. I know that staffing at YWAM Denver will happen sometime in my life - the question has always been 'when?'. Since I wasn't really hearing much on that, I decided to go ahead with applying to join staff and get everything that I could sorted out, and now I am in a place of waiting and trusting God. Not easy, but definitely stretching!
Yes, I could book a plane ticket in faith and trust God to provide everything I need by then, or I could wait in faith and trust God to provide and then book a ticket (or alternatively carry on here). It really is such a hard place to be in, because either way I feel like I'm lacking in faith and I don't want to be doubting God or pushing Him or seem lacking in integrity of what I've said I'll do. It's a really tough place, because my heart is in both Cape Town and Denver. I don't know which one God is asking me to 'give up'/'let go of', or the time frame of that.
I can totally see why God may ask me to stay in Cape Town longer - because there are many things I need to work on, and lifestyle things that God is asking me to change but which I am being sluggish about doing. There are also a few things that I've started and haven't finished, and God may be asking me to take some time to actually finish the things that I've started. It could also be an opportunity to develop some skills which would be hugely beneficial in life and in the mission field - potentially getting a degree, or qualifications of sorts
On the flip side, I could possibly do all of the above in Denver as well, and God could be overlooking what I see as set backs in my life to give me the opportunity to grow through those and rise above them as a staff member at YWAM Denver, thereby coming to victory in those areas and delving into the inheritance God has for His people there.
So that's where my heart is right now - it's rather torn, because I long to be with my family in Denver, and would love to stay with my family in Cape Town. Both have a piece of my heart, but God has my whole heart, and only He can move me. So once again, I'm waiting and trusting Him. I know He knows what He's doing and I'd really love it if He'd let me in on the current and impending part so I can know what to prepare myself for.
I know I'm learning to trust Him more, and my character is being refined a lot. So really, either way would be great, because I know He'll be teaching and guiding me along the way. Maybe this is testing my willingness to leave it all and go to America, or to see if I'll be willing to give up that dream. Maybe it's not time yet. Maybe God has something completely different in store. I don't know.
So for now, I'm trusting, hoping, praying and waiting to see what God does... It's really not easy, but He is good and faithful. He holds the world in His hand, and I trust Him with my life. I'm trying to make preparations for both options so that either way I have something to go off of, but my poor little brain is kind of in overdrive because of all the possibilities and uncertainties. Flip am I glad that I'm not doing this on my own and that He will never abandon me!
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