Flip... The last few weeks have been rather stressful for multiple reasons. One of them being that I am currently in limbo, since I don't know if I'm staying in Cape Town or heading back to Denver. And in that, I don't really know which one I want more.
Since moving to Denver is a huge step, I said (with my parents' agreement) that I would take the provision of finances as confirmation from God that this is what He wants me to do now. I know that staffing at YWAM Denver will happen sometime in my life - the question has always been 'when?'. Since I wasn't really hearing much on that, I decided to go ahead with applying to join staff and get everything that I could sorted out, and now I am in a place of waiting and trusting God. Not easy, but definitely stretching!
Yes, I could book a plane ticket in faith and trust God to provide everything I need by then, or I could wait in faith and trust God to provide and then book a ticket (or alternatively carry on here). It really is such a hard place to be in, because either way I feel like I'm lacking in faith and I don't want to be doubting God or pushing Him or seem lacking in integrity of what I've said I'll do. It's a really tough place, because my heart is in both Cape Town and Denver. I don't know which one God is asking me to 'give up'/'let go of', or the time frame of that.
I can totally see why God may ask me to stay in Cape Town longer - because there are many things I need to work on, and lifestyle things that God is asking me to change but which I am being sluggish about doing. There are also a few things that I've started and haven't finished, and God may be asking me to take some time to actually finish the things that I've started. It could also be an opportunity to develop some skills which would be hugely beneficial in life and in the mission field - potentially getting a degree, or qualifications of sorts
On the flip side, I could possibly do all of the above in Denver as well, and God could be overlooking what I see as set backs in my life to give me the opportunity to grow through those and rise above them as a staff member at YWAM Denver, thereby coming to victory in those areas and delving into the inheritance God has for His people there.
So that's where my heart is right now - it's rather torn, because I long to be with my family in Denver, and would love to stay with my family in Cape Town. Both have a piece of my heart, but God has my whole heart, and only He can move me. So once again, I'm waiting and trusting Him. I know He knows what He's doing and I'd really love it if He'd let me in on the current and impending part so I can know what to prepare myself for.
I know I'm learning to trust Him more, and my character is being refined a lot. So really, either way would be great, because I know He'll be teaching and guiding me along the way. Maybe this is testing my willingness to leave it all and go to America, or to see if I'll be willing to give up that dream. Maybe it's not time yet. Maybe God has something completely different in store. I don't know.
So for now, I'm trusting, hoping, praying and waiting to see what God does... It's really not easy, but He is good and faithful. He holds the world in His hand, and I trust Him with my life. I'm trying to make preparations for both options so that either way I have something to go off of, but my poor little brain is kind of in overdrive because of all the possibilities and uncertainties. Flip am I glad that I'm not doing this on my own and that He will never abandon me!
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