The dichotomy of life at the moment is possibly the most extreme I've experienced in a long time. And yet I have so much peace, which I am incredibly thankful for! If not for God, I would definitely be in a mental institute.
So my heart is shattered about not being able to go back to Denver right now. I feel absolutely horrible for letting everyone there down. I'd so confidently said that I would be back, and yet now I'm the one who made empty promises. Letting people down and hurting them is something that hurts me more than anything. So much so that at times I will avoid depth of friendship altogether to avoid that hurt as much as possible.
And yet as hard as I try, I seem to always end up hurting someone. All my South African friends are delighted to have me around, yet all my American friends are gutted that I won't be. I kinda wish Denver and Cape Town were neighbouring states or provinces - it would seriously make my problems so much less! Alternatively, teleportation would be fantastic!
I am torn between excitement and sadness, grief and joy, freaking out and peace, belief and disbelief, amazement and confusion, awe and fear, guilt and confidence. It's way too much to explain without sounding absolutely psychotic. Although that may already be evident :)
God gave me this beautiful image which edged up my peace levels a bit. There was this huge big rock - like building size huge. It has been fashioned, processed, beaten, heated, compressed, tested, molded and weathered a lot over the last while. I thought that this was the rock that God was going to build on top of. I was so sure of it. And then the rock started crumbling. It all fell a part. Yet a midst the rubble, there was this beautiful, precious gem. All the time that the rock was being refined, this gem was being formed on the inside. I couldn't see it, but that was what God was really after. This is the stone that God is going to use to build His temple. It's a living stone, and one of far more value that the rock I perceived to be a good thing to build on.
That gives me so much hope - to know that I wasn't hearing God wrong about everything. I was being obedient with what He was showing me and where I felt Him leading. Perhaps He wouldn't have gotten the same results if He'd told me what would happen. I've know all along that my willingness and utter abandon to Him blesses His heart, and that He will use that to accomplish all that He has in mind.
So my heart is really in a mixed place right now. I'm so surprised and excited about what is happening here - it's all so unexpected, but rather great actually. Yet my heart still does long for Denver and all those amazing people there, and all God is doing. And I can't help but wonder if or when I'll get to go back. Who knows what the future holds! All I know is that God is who He says He is, and that I can trust Him. By staying humble, teachable, and obedient, whilst loving Him with all I am and loving others, my character will be developed and His will will be accomplished.
After all, I did give Him my life, so that through everything, He might receive the most honour and glory.
This is beautiful. Always humbling and reassuring that we can make our own plans but the Lord is the one to make things happen in His way and His time. You are lovely and I admire your willingness and faith.
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