I've been home for 7 weeks now, which feels like forever... Part of me was really hoping that I could jet back to the States in time for the Spring Phase 2 (School of Ministry Development at YWAM Denver), which would mean that I would also be leaving today... But God, in His profound wisdom, said 'wait'. Tough to hear, because at home, I don't feel like I'm doing all that much, because part of my being home is to rest. That may sound awesome, but resting is SO HARD! Seriously, give it a try for more than a week, with no long term commitments, and try to focus on consciously resting and NOT making any long term plans... its hard!
So whilst doing that for 40 days, part of me was holding onto the plan of going to in April. I knew this was highly unlikely, because I'd been gone for 14 months prior to that, and my family do deserve some time with me, before I jet off again, and I needed to do random things like get my drivers licence. So I started looking into options for going back, and seeing how I could manage to get it all together in time. It kinda worked, but I still felt like I was cheating. Not only my family, but also myself, and more importantly, God.
So when the last weekend before the end of my 40 days of 'rest', I was hounding God about what we were going to do next. I don't know if you've tried this, but a sure way to not hear God very clearly is to ask Him about the future. I don't know all the reasons why, but I just know that that's when it gets messy and confusing. I guess in my heart, I knew that I was going to stay longer, but I still held onto the idea of leaving in April, and therefore didn't actually allow myself to rest properly. I was still trying to manipulate the situation and plan as best I could, and try and make it work. When God is trying to ask you to trust Him, and you say you do, and then try to control the little bits you can, it just doesn't work.
As I was trying to go to sleep one night, that song 'Jesus take the wheel' popped into my head, and He said to me, "you've said you trust Me and that you've given Me control, so stop trying to take it back again... cause I'M DRIVIN'!" Ok, that last bit was a joke from our Brasil outreach, but it's so true. I keep saying that I trust God and have given Him control, yet I still keep trying to do things myself. I'm not saying that God doesn't want our input or want to do it with us (that's a whole other topic for another post), but He was reminding me that if I'm going to trust Him with everything, then I actually have to let go... and trust Him.
I know this sounds obvious, but it's the connection that we are so slow to make: to make head knowledge become heart knowledge. You can say that you are patient, but until you are in a situation where you have to be patient, it's not really true. So I was reminded again that I need to stop trying to do stuff myself - cause I really do make a mess of it - and just let go and let God. Yes, this is an overused Christian phrase, but it's so true. Letting go is incredibly hard for us, because throughout our lives, we are trained to hold onto what is ours and to do it yourself, because you can't really trust anyone else, 'cause they'll let you down somewhere along the way. Distrust and selfishness are built into us from day 1. This is sad, but true. So when it comes to trusting God and letting go, it's extremely hard, because we have to re-think everything and re-train ourselves.
My optometrist told me that my eye muscle tension is extremely high. Normal is 0. I used to be at -5, now I'm at -8. She asked where there was tension in my life, and then suggested that, as a result of being in an uncertain environment, my body has automatically tensed up as I try to control what little I can, even though I know that I don't need to, because I know I can trust God. That's where I think the problem comes in. We know that we can, in theory, trust God, but when it actually comes down to it, do we really?
I know I don't. Not all the time anyways, and certainly not as much as I profess or would like to. I try as hard as I can to control what I can, because if I don't, then it's out of control. Except that it's not, because God is in control, and He knows what He's doing.
I read this on some Facebook post somewhere about faith:
Faith is exactly what it takes to get through uncertainty. Faith is not necessary when you know how things are going to work out - that's knowledge. It's in the times of not knowing that faith is what sees you through to the other side. Faith is what gives you strength. Faith is the light in your heart that keeps on shining even when it's all dark outside. Now is the time to keep that faith alive!
Something that I have also come to realise is that when you let go of something, it allows it to come and go more freely and with joy. Homing pigeons or doves are like this. You can keep it locked up, but that's cruel. Or you could let it fly freely, and have it choose to come back to you.
When you think of two people, if you hold on too tightly, you hurt the other person, but if you let go, then you can freely dance together again.
It's the same with God. He gave us a choice, so that He could have the joy of knowing that we chose to love Him, because it's only love when you choose it. It hurts His heart so much when we choose not to, but it brings Him so much joy when we do choose to.
Another quote I found recently says,
The more you are willing to risk, the more God can use you. And if you're willing to risk everything, then there is nothing God can't do in and through you.I hope and pray that I will come to a place where I not only say that I am willing to risk everything for God, but when it really becomes true in my heart and in my actions. I'm on the way there, but it's a battle everyday, to wake up and place those things back in God's hands. I know that God knows what He's doing and that He has an amazing plan underway that I can't see at the moment, but I trust (in theory and growing in my heart), that in His timing, He'll let me in on it. I know that He will make something beautiful out of me and of my life, as I give everything to Him everyday, and live in complete surrender with Him.
I pray that God would break the distrust in our hearts, melt them again, and heal the places where we have been hurt by broken promises. God teach us to let go and let You heal us and make us into something beautiful for You. Release our hearts to dream again...
AMEN! "I'm drivin!!!!!" :)
ReplyDelete