late night ramblings...

So it's one of those nights where it's 1.12am, and I don't want to and/or can't go to sleep. My mind is in a weird place of wanting to think, but not really being able to. Strangely enough, it's these times when God often speaks in the weirdest and most wonderful ways. Maybe because my brain isn't functioning enough to over-think stuff (something I do a lot, unfortunately), or because it's quiet and I've slowed myself down enough to just be and not worry about anything.

The next thing on my agenda is sleep. So nothing stressful, no planning required. Sitting in my pj's, teeth brushed, heater on, sitting on my bed. The frogs are croaking outside and there's the gentle dripping on rain off the roof. Today was just one of those days where it rained a whole heck of a lot. It was cold-ish too. Denver re-defined my definition of 'cold', but for Cape Town, it was pretty cold. No central heating, so I stayed in bed with my heater on most the day.

The last couple of weeks have been hard-ish. Not particularly busy or demanding in the 'normal' way, but I've really had to choose a lot and make a lot of decisions. Now decision making hasn't been my strongest suit ever. I'm working on it though - deciding to get better at it (see, I'm making progress already!). Every day we make a million decisions. Many are subconscious or no-brainers really - like brushing your teeth or putting on shoes (well, for some...). Those decisions we make without a second thought really. In the average person's day, they make decisions about how to manage their time based off of how much they need to do etc. This is a whole lot easier when you're busy than deciding what to do with your time when you're not. Hear me out: when you're busy, stuff has to get done, so you can't mull it around in your head much - it just has to happen, and fast! When you're not busy, there is so much time to do all the stuff that doesn't really need to happen any time soon, that you end up not doing anything really. This is great for a time, but after a while, it gets a little frustrating! This is where indecisiveness is a B with a big itch!

So I haven't had a whole lot that I really NEED to get done, so I'm in the second category of prioritizing time when you have complete control over pretty much every second. Great! - yes and no. Freedom, yes, but with that comes great responsibility. 'Intentional' is the word that has been stamped across my life recently. I've really had to be intentional with my time. I get to decide to stay in bed all day and watch movies, or to read book after book, or go for a walk or a drive (yes, it is rather fun to finally be able to do that now!). The thing with this, is that I get to choose how much I get out of each day. Yeah, seems great, but good intentions don't get you very far unfortunately.

Where am I going with this? I have no idea really. It was just on my mind, so I typed it down. Probably as a reminder to me to get my act together again. I am responsible for my own growth. I need to feed myself. I'm not a baby anymore and don't need to be spoon-fed. Yeah that's easier, but I need to grow up. I need to go out and find my own food, prepare it, chew it and swallow it, or spit it out if it isn't good. In case you didn't get it, but I'm talking about spiritual food, not soup and macaroni. Yes, God changes our lives, but He wants to partner WITH us, not continuously nurse us. He meets us where we're at, but we're not meant to stay there.

This life on earth is in many ways a physical representation of life in the Spirit. Babies grow up; we're meant to spiritually too. We're meant to mature in our faith, to grow. We are responsible for our own health. God can heal us, but we do need to do our part too - it is a partnership after all. God will do what only God can do, but we need to do what only we can do. We need to choose it. Unfortunately -or fortunately- 'choosing it' isn't just a passive choice. It's active and requires a whole heck of a lot more than just going 'ok, I'm in'. We need to 'choose it' every moment of every day. We need to make the effort to get to know this remarkable God who made us and loves us so deeply.

This line in a song has been haunting me recently:

We have only heard the faintest whispers of how great You are

 How beautiful is that? And how incredible! Anything you think you know about God - no matter how grand, huge or unfathomable they are - God is always so much bigger. That's the thing with an infinite God! We will never fully understand Him until the day we see Him face to Face - and oh how I long for that day!

So that's a nibble of what's going on in my head. May God continue to call you deeper, and may you respond to His call to seek Him with all your heart, soul, mind and strength. You will find Him - He has hidden Himself for us to find! What a marvelous God! Please remove the scales from our eyes so that we can see more and more of who You are. Keep our longing desire for you burning so that we do not give up. Thank You that You give us the desire and the power to do what pleases You! Let my life bring glory and honour to You in everything.