ending off 2011...

Me and Mary

Written on 8 January 2012 – Cape Town, South Africa

So I’m home! It really is quite a weird feeling, but it is so wonderful too. It is such a blessing to have been here for Christmas and New Years. We had a wonderful time with the family all together for the first time in a good long while, and it probably will be another while before it will happen again. My sister Sarah and her boyfriend Paul left just after Christmas to go to England for a few weeks to visit family, and then on to America to do schools with YWAM – so it’s been an interesting last few weeks at home!

So I’ve just completed the School of Ministry Development at YWAM Denver: wow… Honestly, I don’t really know how to summarise it all. There is so much from the last 3 months that I haven’t managed to process yet, but God is being so good to bring up important things at the right time, and reminding me of what He has been teaching me, and also what He’s been saying and where He’s leading me.

During the last week of the school, I sat down and started listing things that God has taught me recently… 4 pages later I realised I had to go to worship time, so I didn’t even manage to cover it all! The beautiful thing about it is that my whole life is spent learning, and He will repeat and emphasise what is important and what He wants me to really get a hold of. So I’ll do my best to summarise what God has been teaching me through this school.

He walks with you - painted in December

This school has some focus on leadership, but as we soon learnt, that should come out of a lifestyle of surrender and obedience to God. Success to God is defined by our obedience, and His definition should be ours too. Jesus is our example – and by human terms, His leadership was rather ‘unsuccessful’, and yet so many years later, we still follow Him. He focused on what really was important – the Father and honouring Him above all else. He was a servant first and foremost. He suffered and died. He is our example. Servant leadership isn’t an optional extra. Authority from God is powerful, and also hard, because of the incredible responsibility that comes along with it. Out of that, character and heart motivation are vital things in a leader, so a lot of what God did in me was in refining my character and heart motives.

One of the beautiful things that God has taught me is that He is my teacher first and foremost, and that He uses people to sometimes confirm what He is saying. So many times, God would be talking to me about something during my quality time with Him, and throughout the day, and then in the next day or week of teaching, someone would mention it or teach on it too. It was hilarious! There were times when I desperately needed someone to verbally process with, but then no one was around, so I’d have to go to God first, which is what He was getting at. There will be times in my life when I have no one to go to but Him, where I will be lonely, and He really does need to be my best Friend.

Me and Becca - my
small group leader

Something funny that God showed me about how we pray these prayers, for example ‘God, You can have my life’ or ‘make me like You’, and then when He takes us up on what we say, we get defensive and even blame Him for what He does. He is just being faithful to answer the prayers that we’ve prayed, and we’re the ones being stubborn and not actually wanting to change or let Him change us.

He has challenged me on areas of compromise which I didn’t think were bad at all, He’s challenged my heart attitudes and motivations, taking it all so much deeper, and helped me to discover why I do and think certain things, getting a glimpse of how He uses me in other people’s lives. I’ve learnt to trust Him more, and realising that this is an area that we continuously need to be growing and learning in – to really trust God with everything, including the timing. I’ve also had to grapple with the fact that I am not entitled to God’s promises. I have been learning obedience in small things, like picking up rubbish/trash. I’ve been learning to create with Him through painting. I’ve had to grapple with the deep insecurity of believing that I’m not really deserving of abundant life, and thinking that I can’t actually even be like Jesus. Once I finally admitted that I felt like that, it no longer had as strong a hold over me, and then I could choose to believe the truth of what God says. 

It was a hard 3 months, and very challenging. I’ve only had Jesus a lot of the time, which has actually been so refreshing and a beautifully intimate time too. I’ve learnt more of really seeking Him, and seeing His faithfulness in so many ways – even in Him giving me a word, and then something would happen, where I was so thankful for that promise He gave me to hold onto!

My roommates: Laura, Maddy,
me, Kiny and Gill

Before the last 2 years, I was an extreme introvert, but also scared and insecure. Then, in order to break out of that fear, I tended a bit towards the other extreme of pushing myself out of my comfort zone. But now, instead of that being random or sporadic, it’s a constant flow of God through me, so I can go back to the good, God parts of how I was before – I was made as a supporter, yet before I conceived that as weakness, insignificance and a root of my insecurities. Now God has redeemed that, and I’ve been able to step more fully and confidently into that role as a supporter, and it’s beautiful because it’s how God made me, and it is no longer warped.

I’ve also learnt a lot about seizing the day – to really dig in and enjoy where I am now, trusting that God will make something beautiful out of me. I’m realising how huge God is, because I keep learning and realising more, but then realising that there’s SO much more still that I don’t know! It’s refreshing, freeing and exciting, because the rest of my life will be spent getting to know and falling more in love with my God, who, although He never changes, I will continuously be surprised by, because of how small my brain is. The revelation of who He is and His truth continues to go deeper, and humble me more in the process – how can you be proud when you get a glimpse of how HUGE God is?

Me and Laura

‘Seek His face, not just His hand’ was a common theme throughout this time. We need to actually know our God, not just expect Him to do things for us. Something God challenged me with, was that if I never heard from Him again, never saw another miracle – would I still obey what He has said to me up ‘til now, and all that is laid out in His Word? It was a huge challenge of my heart motivation – am I seeking just His hand, or am I really seeking His face, simply because of who He is? Am I obeying Him because of what He will do, or simply because of who He is, and because He is worthy?

He’s taught me that ministry isn’t an optional part of the Christian life – it’s integral. Every time you pray for someone, you are ministering to them. Every time you love someone, or listen to them, or give someone water to drink, you’re ministering to them. Our life is our ministry – first to the heart of God, then out of His love, to others by sharing His love out of intimacy with Him. Know Him in intimacy, then out of that, loving others and changing the world through that. Simply put: love God passionately; love others radically.

So yes, these last 3 months have been wonderful, challenging, hard, and amazing. God has spoken wonderfully clearly to me about what is next, but that will have to wait for the next letter, since this one is already super long! Thank you so much for your prayers and support through this time – it has meant so much knowing that I have such a wonderful family of friends at home who are standing with me as I go through this amazing adventure.

I trust that this next year for you will be one of truly seeking God’s face – of learning what it means for you to really love God with all your heart, all your soul and all your strength. I pray that God would take you deeper than you ever thought possible, and that you would be open and willing to listen and be obedient to what God asks of you, to follow where He leads, and truly let Him have your life and make something beautiful out of you. He has such wonderful plans for each of us, if we would ask, listen and obey, because of the beauty and glory of who He is.

Many blessings and love,

Janine

Our School of Ministry Development on graduation