coming to terms with it all...

The dichotomy of life at the moment is possibly the most extreme I've experienced in a long time. And yet I have so much peace, which I am incredibly thankful for! If not for God, I would definitely be in a mental institute.

So my heart is shattered about not being able to go back to Denver right now. I feel absolutely horrible for letting everyone there down. I'd so confidently said that I would be back, and yet now I'm the one who made empty promises. Letting people down and hurting them is something that hurts me more than anything. So much so that at times I will avoid depth of friendship altogether to avoid that hurt as much as possible.

And yet as hard as I try, I seem to always end up hurting someone. All my South African friends are delighted to have me around, yet all my American friends are gutted that I won't be. I kinda wish Denver and Cape Town were neighbouring states or provinces - it would seriously make my problems so much less! Alternatively, teleportation would be fantastic!

I am torn between excitement and sadness, grief and joy, freaking out and peace, belief and disbelief, amazement and confusion, awe and fear, guilt and confidence. It's way too much to explain without sounding absolutely psychotic. Although that may already be evident :)

God gave me this beautiful image which edged up my peace levels a bit. There was this huge big rock - like building size huge. It has been fashioned, processed, beaten, heated, compressed, tested, molded and weathered a lot over the last while. I thought that this was the rock that God was going to build on top of. I was so sure of it. And then the rock started crumbling. It all fell a part. Yet a midst the rubble, there was this beautiful, precious gem. All the time that the rock was being refined, this gem was being formed on the inside. I couldn't see it, but that was what God was really after. This is the stone that God is going to use to build His temple. It's a living stone, and one of far more value that the rock I perceived to be a good thing to build on.

That gives me so much hope - to know that I wasn't hearing God wrong about everything. I was being obedient with what He was showing me and where I felt Him leading. Perhaps He wouldn't have gotten the same results if He'd told me what would happen. I've know all along that my willingness and utter abandon to Him blesses His heart, and that He will use that to accomplish all that He has in mind.

So my heart is really in a mixed place right now. I'm so surprised and excited about what is happening here - it's all so unexpected, but rather great actually. Yet my heart still does long for Denver and all those amazing people there, and all God is doing. And I can't help but wonder if or when I'll get to go back. Who knows what the future holds! All I know is that God is who He says He is, and that I can trust Him. By staying humble, teachable, and obedient, whilst loving Him with all I am and loving others, my character will be developed and His will will be accomplished.

After all, I did give Him my life, so that through everything, He might receive the most honour and glory.

the verdict...

So the verdict is that I'm staying in Cape Town, and I'm off to Cornerstone now to hand in my application to do a Bachelors in Theology majoring in Community Development. (See http://www.cornerstone.ac.za/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=100&Itemid=104 for the course outline).

Honestly, I have very mixed emotions. I'm really sad about not being able to go back to my American family or be a part of what is happening there. I'm also so excited about what God has in store for here! He has given me such vision for how I can do what I wanted to do in Denver, here in Cape Town too. The thing that He really loves is my willingness, and that in making disciples after that kind, I will be able to be part of raising up a generation that is completely on fire and whole-heartedly after God's heart, which is such an amazing privilege!

heading up to D-day...

Right, so here's where we are at: if I don't get the finance I need to get to Denver and live there for the rest of this year by Wednesday, then I won't be going. In which case, I will probably be doing a Bachelors of Theology majoring in Community Development at Cornerstone Institute here in Cape Town.

Some may wonder why I have set such a 'short' timeline for God to provide: well firstly He can totally do it. Secondly, if I want to do anything with this year in Cape Town, I need to start soon (like this week really). It really is quite strange how I happened upon this degree. In conversation with some friends, they asked what I would do if I were to stay here, so I mentioned a couple of things, and for some reason said 'try to get in late at Cornerstone' without really having thought about it. I went home and decided I might as well have a look at their courses, and I actually found one I'd love to do, which is a pretty big deal for me, because I've always had this problem of not knowing what I'd want to study and never having found a course I liked.

It's hard right now, because both are such amazingly good options. I'd be growing in such great ways, and having amazing opportunities to equip myself, be trained in the word, and pour out into other people's lives. As I think about both options individually, they both seem so good! And both are sad too, because either way I won't be with many of the people I've come to know and love.

So that's what's happening. The options are by no means mutually exclusive - one could easily be the equipping for the other and vice versa. As God has so often told me, much of what I will be doing has little to do with where, so right now it's all in His hands to decide where He wants me in order to have the biggest impact for the Kingdom and bring Him the most glory.

I feel a lot like Captain Jack Sparrow when he's shaking his compass and saying 'I know what I want! I know what I want!', and yet still the needle of the compass won't settle on a set direction. If I had to choose, I really don't know what I would choose. So it's in God's hands for Him to bring about what His best is - my life for His glory.

decisions, uncertainty and trusting...

Flip... The last few weeks have been rather stressful for multiple reasons. One of them being that I am currently in limbo, since I don't know if I'm staying in Cape Town or heading back to Denver. And in that, I don't really know which one I want more.

Since moving to Denver is a huge step, I said (with my parents' agreement) that I would take the provision of finances as confirmation from God that this is what He wants me to do now. I know that staffing at YWAM Denver will happen sometime in my life - the question has always been 'when?'. Since I wasn't really hearing much on that, I decided to go ahead with applying to join staff and get everything that I could sorted out, and now I am in a place of waiting and trusting God. Not easy, but definitely stretching!

Yes, I could book a plane ticket in faith and trust God to provide everything I need by then, or I could wait in faith and trust God to provide and then book a ticket (or alternatively carry on here). It really is such a hard place to be in, because either way I feel like I'm lacking in faith and I don't want to be doubting God or pushing Him or seem lacking in integrity of what I've said I'll do. It's a really tough place, because my heart is in both Cape Town and Denver. I don't know which one God is asking me to 'give up'/'let go of', or the time frame of that.

I can totally see why God may ask me to stay in Cape Town longer - because there are many things I need to work on, and lifestyle things that God is asking me to change but which I am being sluggish about doing. There are also a few things that I've started and haven't finished, and God may be asking me to take some time to actually finish the things that I've started. It could also be an opportunity to develop some skills which would be hugely beneficial in life and in the mission field - potentially getting a degree, or qualifications of sorts

On the flip side, I could possibly do all of the above in Denver as well, and God could be overlooking what I see as set backs in my life to give me the opportunity to grow through those and rise above them as a staff member at YWAM Denver, thereby coming to victory in those areas and delving into the inheritance God has for His people there.

So that's where my heart is right now - it's rather torn, because I long to be with my family in Denver, and would love to stay with my family in Cape Town. Both have a piece of my heart, but God has my whole heart, and only He can move me. So once again, I'm waiting and trusting Him. I know He knows what He's doing and I'd really love it if He'd let me in on the current and impending part so I can know what to prepare myself for.

I know I'm learning to trust Him more, and my character is being refined a lot. So really, either way would be great, because I know He'll be teaching and guiding me along the way. Maybe this is testing my willingness to leave it all and go to America, or to see if I'll be willing to give up that dream. Maybe it's not time yet. Maybe God has something completely different in store. I don't know.

So for now, I'm trusting, hoping, praying and waiting to see what God does... It's really not easy, but He is good and faithful. He holds the world in His hand, and I trust Him with my life. I'm trying to make preparations for both options so that either way I have something to go off of, but my poor little brain is kind of in overdrive because of all the possibilities and uncertainties. Flip am I glad that I'm not doing this on my own and that He will never abandon me!

a letter about 2012 onward...

Dear prayer partners – family and friends

If you’ve kept up with my update letters, you will have read about how I’ve felt God calling me to join staff here at YWAM Denver. It’s definitely been a long process and not a flippant decision at all. I’ve taken a lot of time to pray about this, and have definite words from God about it. He has confirmed it over and over again through different people, and I have such excitement and peace about this. It’ll be an exciting and scary new adventure! I don’t yet know how long I will be doing this, but I do feel God calling me to a life of ministry – in whatever capacity He reveals. For now, that’s at YWAM Denver, and I am going to dig into the inheritance God has for His people there, and go from there as He leads!

What will joining staff here at YWAM Denver look like and entail?

Each staff member is a volunteer, and so earns no income from YWAM. This means that we are living missionary style, with a group of people gathering around us and coming along side of what God is doing, joining with that through financial and prayer support. My expenses are looking to be around $600/month (R5000), and then a plane ticket there of about the same amount. For housing, I’m planning on sharing an apartment or house with 3-4 other ladies who are also on staff. I’m really looking forward to having a kitchen and space to really call my own (after living in community with just a bunk and a bit of closet space!). We’ll probably have a garden, which will be lovely too! Meals can still be eaten at the base for no extra cost, which is a huge blessing, but I’ll also be able to cook my own meals where necessary or preferred.

YWAM Denver works on a quarterly calendar, so every 3 months, a new quarter starts. This means a new group of students come in to do various schools, and staff responsibilities rotate. There are various departments that I could work in: hospitality, kitchen, maintenance, housekeeping, reception, outreach, worship, personnel and registrar to name a few. These are apart from or including working with a school. If I was to staff a school, I would then be a small group leader, which means I could have around 3-5 ladies that I would get to disciple/mentor during their 3 month school. Each week, I’d meet with them individually, and as a group. I would also attend some of the class lectures, participate in activities, as well as being involved in one or more of the other departments listed above. If I were to assist an outreach (which leave at the end of each quarter for about 7 weeks), I would find out a few weeks into the school, and this would mean that I would be assisting the person leading the outreach. On outreach, I would continue my discipler/mentor role for the students, and be a part of whatever ministry we do. At the end of outreach, I would also be involved in debriefing the students, and preparing them to go back home, or into whatever is next. I will also be investing in a local church, and involved with local community ministry and outreach, and I may also have the opportunity to teach at some stage.

Why do I want to do this?

First and foremost, because I feel like God has given me this option, and I want to be obedient. I feel very strongly that this is where God is calling me for the next part of my life – I don’t know how long for yet, but I know God is leading and guiding me. I also love what YWAM is and does, and want to be a part of what God is doing in and through this organisation all over the world. I have grown so much during my time at YWAM, and would love to be able to pour into others what has been poured into me. I have such a heart to see people set free from what has been holding them back, and to embrace the entirety of what God has for them. I feel like people have such a misconception of who God is and such a limited view of what He can do, and I love seeing others dig deeper and discover so much more about who He is, and allow Him to blow their minds and radically transform their lives. I long to see people come alive again, and truly live the abundant life God has available to them.

I think one of the reasons why I want to do this here, is because the students that come here want it. They come here to grow, to change, to seek out God. It’s virtually impossible to teach someone something if they don’t want to learn, or to try and make them understand their need. You can’t give someone something unless they really want it. YWAM is a place that facilitates that, allowing you to really dig in – to be broken and healed, and to discover what life with your Creator looks like. Yes, it’s short term, but such wonderful stuff can happen in just 3 months! And if done right, and in a Godly way, with much prayer, lives can be transformed in a way that they can never go back to the way things were.

Yes, I could do this anywhere, but God has said YWAM Denver next, so that’s what I’m doing. I applied to join staff towards the end of my last school, and got accepted.

How can you be involved?

Most of you have been with me on this journey from the beginning, when I did my DTS at the start of 2010, and I’m sure you can all confirm the amazing growth and work that God has done in and through me in the last 2 years. I would be honoured if you would prayerfully consider partnering with me on this next phase of my adventure as we build His Kingdom together. This could be through financially partnering with me, receiving update letters or praying for me and what God is doing. In partnering with God in this, I also commit to praying for you on a regular basis, as you continue in the ministry God has given you. If you'd like more information about this, please email me (janinepalser@gmail.com), or you can click the 'Donate' button on the left hand side of this blog to support financially through PayPal.

I’m planning to leave on February 6, since that is one of the few tickets available in February with frequent flyer miles, and there is a staff conference soon after which I need to attend. I have a couple of weeks left in Cape Town, so if you have any questions, comments or concerns, please feel free to email me. I would like to have another tea after church, but with the change in services that may not happen.

Again, thank you so much for all your support over the last 2 years, and I look forward to partnering with you in the years to come!

In faith, hope and love

Janine

ending off 2011...

Me and Mary

Written on 8 January 2012 – Cape Town, South Africa

So I’m home! It really is quite a weird feeling, but it is so wonderful too. It is such a blessing to have been here for Christmas and New Years. We had a wonderful time with the family all together for the first time in a good long while, and it probably will be another while before it will happen again. My sister Sarah and her boyfriend Paul left just after Christmas to go to England for a few weeks to visit family, and then on to America to do schools with YWAM – so it’s been an interesting last few weeks at home!

So I’ve just completed the School of Ministry Development at YWAM Denver: wow… Honestly, I don’t really know how to summarise it all. There is so much from the last 3 months that I haven’t managed to process yet, but God is being so good to bring up important things at the right time, and reminding me of what He has been teaching me, and also what He’s been saying and where He’s leading me.

During the last week of the school, I sat down and started listing things that God has taught me recently… 4 pages later I realised I had to go to worship time, so I didn’t even manage to cover it all! The beautiful thing about it is that my whole life is spent learning, and He will repeat and emphasise what is important and what He wants me to really get a hold of. So I’ll do my best to summarise what God has been teaching me through this school.

He walks with you - painted in December

This school has some focus on leadership, but as we soon learnt, that should come out of a lifestyle of surrender and obedience to God. Success to God is defined by our obedience, and His definition should be ours too. Jesus is our example – and by human terms, His leadership was rather ‘unsuccessful’, and yet so many years later, we still follow Him. He focused on what really was important – the Father and honouring Him above all else. He was a servant first and foremost. He suffered and died. He is our example. Servant leadership isn’t an optional extra. Authority from God is powerful, and also hard, because of the incredible responsibility that comes along with it. Out of that, character and heart motivation are vital things in a leader, so a lot of what God did in me was in refining my character and heart motives.

One of the beautiful things that God has taught me is that He is my teacher first and foremost, and that He uses people to sometimes confirm what He is saying. So many times, God would be talking to me about something during my quality time with Him, and throughout the day, and then in the next day or week of teaching, someone would mention it or teach on it too. It was hilarious! There were times when I desperately needed someone to verbally process with, but then no one was around, so I’d have to go to God first, which is what He was getting at. There will be times in my life when I have no one to go to but Him, where I will be lonely, and He really does need to be my best Friend.

Me and Becca - my
small group leader

Something funny that God showed me about how we pray these prayers, for example ‘God, You can have my life’ or ‘make me like You’, and then when He takes us up on what we say, we get defensive and even blame Him for what He does. He is just being faithful to answer the prayers that we’ve prayed, and we’re the ones being stubborn and not actually wanting to change or let Him change us.

He has challenged me on areas of compromise which I didn’t think were bad at all, He’s challenged my heart attitudes and motivations, taking it all so much deeper, and helped me to discover why I do and think certain things, getting a glimpse of how He uses me in other people’s lives. I’ve learnt to trust Him more, and realising that this is an area that we continuously need to be growing and learning in – to really trust God with everything, including the timing. I’ve also had to grapple with the fact that I am not entitled to God’s promises. I have been learning obedience in small things, like picking up rubbish/trash. I’ve been learning to create with Him through painting. I’ve had to grapple with the deep insecurity of believing that I’m not really deserving of abundant life, and thinking that I can’t actually even be like Jesus. Once I finally admitted that I felt like that, it no longer had as strong a hold over me, and then I could choose to believe the truth of what God says. 

It was a hard 3 months, and very challenging. I’ve only had Jesus a lot of the time, which has actually been so refreshing and a beautifully intimate time too. I’ve learnt more of really seeking Him, and seeing His faithfulness in so many ways – even in Him giving me a word, and then something would happen, where I was so thankful for that promise He gave me to hold onto!

My roommates: Laura, Maddy,
me, Kiny and Gill

Before the last 2 years, I was an extreme introvert, but also scared and insecure. Then, in order to break out of that fear, I tended a bit towards the other extreme of pushing myself out of my comfort zone. But now, instead of that being random or sporadic, it’s a constant flow of God through me, so I can go back to the good, God parts of how I was before – I was made as a supporter, yet before I conceived that as weakness, insignificance and a root of my insecurities. Now God has redeemed that, and I’ve been able to step more fully and confidently into that role as a supporter, and it’s beautiful because it’s how God made me, and it is no longer warped.

I’ve also learnt a lot about seizing the day – to really dig in and enjoy where I am now, trusting that God will make something beautiful out of me. I’m realising how huge God is, because I keep learning and realising more, but then realising that there’s SO much more still that I don’t know! It’s refreshing, freeing and exciting, because the rest of my life will be spent getting to know and falling more in love with my God, who, although He never changes, I will continuously be surprised by, because of how small my brain is. The revelation of who He is and His truth continues to go deeper, and humble me more in the process – how can you be proud when you get a glimpse of how HUGE God is?

Me and Laura

‘Seek His face, not just His hand’ was a common theme throughout this time. We need to actually know our God, not just expect Him to do things for us. Something God challenged me with, was that if I never heard from Him again, never saw another miracle – would I still obey what He has said to me up ‘til now, and all that is laid out in His Word? It was a huge challenge of my heart motivation – am I seeking just His hand, or am I really seeking His face, simply because of who He is? Am I obeying Him because of what He will do, or simply because of who He is, and because He is worthy?

He’s taught me that ministry isn’t an optional part of the Christian life – it’s integral. Every time you pray for someone, you are ministering to them. Every time you love someone, or listen to them, or give someone water to drink, you’re ministering to them. Our life is our ministry – first to the heart of God, then out of His love, to others by sharing His love out of intimacy with Him. Know Him in intimacy, then out of that, loving others and changing the world through that. Simply put: love God passionately; love others radically.

So yes, these last 3 months have been wonderful, challenging, hard, and amazing. God has spoken wonderfully clearly to me about what is next, but that will have to wait for the next letter, since this one is already super long! Thank you so much for your prayers and support through this time – it has meant so much knowing that I have such a wonderful family of friends at home who are standing with me as I go through this amazing adventure.

I trust that this next year for you will be one of truly seeking God’s face – of learning what it means for you to really love God with all your heart, all your soul and all your strength. I pray that God would take you deeper than you ever thought possible, and that you would be open and willing to listen and be obedient to what God asks of you, to follow where He leads, and truly let Him have your life and make something beautiful out of you. He has such wonderful plans for each of us, if we would ask, listen and obey, because of the beauty and glory of who He is.

Many blessings and love,

Janine

Our School of Ministry Development on graduation